- lose the (CONTINUED)s.
- (To Self) should be under the characters name.
- Why can't these people have names?
Man you are sick. I loved it. It would be entertaining to watch. So go out and film this.
Results 11 to 19 of 19
02-09-2012 04:43 PM
02-09-2012 07:07 PM
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I loved it. This was a really effortless read. The dialogue was simultaneously humorous and horrifying, quite a trick. Your writing was highly visual, I learned a bunch so thanks. The only nit I can conjure up is: this is a desperate woman who has been abused for awhile and loathes her husband and is prepared to kill him. So why not just blast him? Why chance his escape? Why the elaborate booby trap? I guess she wants to milk his suffering to satisfy her own hatred. Eye for an eye. Wow, that's so sick.
02-18-2012 09:26 AM
Rustom, you're a true pro. This was a joy to read (a dark joy) The words you use are so well chosen - they do their job effortlessly and invisibly.
It's a great idea - an imaginative take on the brief. Your script is very visceral with an immediate emotional hook, and your visuals are strong and memorable. A very satisfying read and hard to fault really! In a longer script it would be nice to see some of Bernie's actions that led him to this fate, but considering the time frame, you made the right choices I think. Anyway we all understand the kind of guy he is and it's a familiar story.
So yep, great choices, a very strong little scene that works well as a short!
Great job as always!
02-20-2012 01:28 PM
Good description of the kid.
When mama smacks her head, put "(TO SELF)" underneath her name, on its own line.
"food ain’t much good if it’s beaten outta ya’ every other day." I really like this line. Great retort.
"in his hair covered in dried glue." It would read easier as "in his glue covered hair".
When Bernie frees his leg, I expect him to scream in pain.
I love it. A great horror gem. I especially like the cartoon character's burnt face at the end.So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.
02-24-2012 07:12 PM
I have nothing much to add. This is out of the park stellar.
Pick up a camera. Get to it.
02-27-2012 08:06 PM
This script was weird, kinda f--ked up, and pretty awesome. I laughed at the end, and in a good way. While they're pretty stock white-trash characters, there's an undeniable charm in the way you wrote them that makes me grin just reading it. Very well done.
-JMTI am a man
who stands against the mountain
and thinks of pebbles
02-29-2012 05:10 AM
As some of you know I usually do thank and respond to my reviewers but held back from any commenting during the voting process this year. I really wanted the critiques to have no influence by my responses and now I feel it's actually quite helpful to hear all thoughts before responding.
A big thank you for all who commented on my script. I appreciate the time and effort and the little things you pointed out which'll go a long way in making me a better writer and this a solid script.
I hate those dang CONT'Ds and the TO SELF wrylie. This was an extremely rushed script written in panic hours before what I thought was the deadline. They're gonna be out and perhaps the double-dashes too.
I agree with EVH's idea about the kid's tongue and am thinking perhaps she changes his shirt to see ole' Bernie's carved his name on the kid's back or burnt it in. Yeah, dark again but might work smoother or perhaps a quick flashback, but I'll think on it.
The sick idea is actually the kid's doing. He watches lots of cartoons and the whole set-up was inspired by a Tom & Jerry short. Hence the whole glue and rigged shotgun. Should convey this better with more clues.
Finally, a big thank you to Chris K.! He said something in my previous contest which resonated a bit. This screenplay was intended to be easily produced. I usually write huge budget shorts and let my imagination go wild. With this one I wanted to test a minimalist approach and yet not lose out on cinematic story-telling.
Most of the gore is implied, I haven't been too rigid with my characters descriptions and have use this one location only.
I honestly feel this approach helped me a lot. And importantly DVXuser being a pre-dominantly production focused arena, shouldn't we as writers strive to compete with scripts that have a great chance to be produced here?
There're tons of other short script sites to hone our craft. ;)
Thanks for the experience.
03-01-2012 11:16 AM
Sorry I'm so late with my feedback - I was in a rush to get everything read and voted on before the deadline and never got round to commenting on most of the scripts.
I'm so glad that this one won, because it was absolutely my favourite. I love the comedy in it, and I love it when it's mixed with dark themes. Dialogue was great, and they way it was written meant I could hear the whiny trailerpark voices in my head.
I'm sure there are a few ways it could be improved, but it's pretty much been covered here by everyone else.
Well done dude. Let us know if it gets picked up! (I'd do it, but English people putting on trailer park accents just doesn't work, no matter how good an actor you are!)
03-01-2012 11:28 AM
Thank you so much, Heather!
I really appreciate you commenting, even after the contest.
Glad the intended dark humor and tone worked so widely with all involved.
Before I forget, everyone's curious about how a guy from India (Who has spent some time in the US) managed to get this lingo down so pat.
One of the influences are the Krinklesacs from "The Cleveland Show" A few of the nuances are from memory of actually staying in a rundown apartment block in Las Vegas in early 2000. I could practically hear the next door couple bickering all night long, but that guy could play one mean piano once he was fully tanked up!
I'm sincerely hoping someone takes interest to make it and guess the fixes/tweaks could be worked in as the filmmaker demands.