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    Junior Member
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    Jan 2012
    I really enjoyed this but I hated the caps. I thought you need a great job establishing a baseline of tension which I thought was going to be difficult too build from. But you did a great job with undulating tension. There was some skilled descriptions laced throughout, especially the bottom of P3. I see what people mean by the on the nose stuff but I didn't really notice as I was reading it. i also liked your twist at the end.

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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    Bombay, India
    This has a really strong set-up and a twist that I didn't really see coming and it surprised me quite a bit. Great sense of structure in that regard. What you need is to work on some of the dialog areas. Primarily ask yourself if your dialog tells us something about plot, about the character or about back-story, which is plot again but you get my gist.

    So, if Sally tells us "the whole mall must be trying to call." then again she reveals it's busy, you could've trimmed the earlier bit about it being busy. Just leave "the whole mall must be trying to call" and her next response would be "it's stll busy."

    Similarly if you already tell us Jerry's disturbed on seeing the body, then your purpose for him to say that dialog is dilute. Instead, if he just stared at it and says, "She's so young." You make an instant reveal about his sensitive nature.

    Also, they won't use complete phrases in a panic situation. Introduce questions, leave some unanswered, make us feel as helpless as them.

    This needs a re-write and I'm sure you've already started on it. Hope you took out those paragraphs in all caps which are highly distracting and unnecessary.

    Otherwise, a great execution of the theme, pun intended.
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    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Sep 2011
    Michigan, USA
    Quote Originally Posted by Andy Olson View Post
    Sorry about the grammar and typos and 'be' verbs. It's been a long time since I was in school! I've hopefully found them all and corrected them in this latest draft.
    Sometimes, we spell a word correctly, but after looking at it quickly, fail to realize that the word is spelled roght but used in the wrong way. Like to. Most of the spelling errors came from 'too' when 'to' is the correct word. Hopefully you corrected these things.

    As for the script itself, I asked:

    - How big is the janitor's room? Why isn't one of the trapped the janitor? Someone mentioned in the comments about the door. In a janitor's room, there are paper products and trash bags for bathrooms and such, a mop and bucket, a drain...organized but not meant for the amount of people in there. It would be crammed. Because cleaning chemicals would also be present, the door would be locked. Only the janitor and/or the manager would have the keys.

    Yes, it could be locked from the inside, I'll give you that one.

    The CAPPING at the end, the OTN dialog the occasional passive writing and odd discussions rob the piece of being really good. That said, it really got the theme down and not a bad effort.

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    I liked this one. Good set-up (though the first line is confusing: I don't know if I'm supposed to be seeing people running or just hearing them). You can drop Matt's first line, "That guy just started shooting everyone." We've already assumed from the sounds of gunfire that something like this is the case. Also, toward the end you use "too" several times in place of "to" and the all-CAPS bit doesn't need to be capitalized like that -- if anything, it's distracting. Some of the dialogue is a bit stilted, and Matt's character was a little... typical, but overall I really enjoyed reading this. Good job!

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