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    #11
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    Jul 2006
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    I like your opening at the bridge. Very mysterious. I'm immediately hooked.

    The people shuffling out of the bay - are they headed for shore or out to sea?

    "She is aware of what he did for her." Delete this line. The smile between them tells us enough.

    I like Paul and his nonchalance. It adds to the mystery, although I think I know where this is headed.

    When Michelle steps out of the trunk, she doesn't have any injuries? At first I thought she was kidnapped. Why is she in the trunk?

    Who's David? Did you rename him to Michael?

    Remove the "(forceful)" wryly. Let the actor decide how to play it.

    You need more detail with the mob. They walk across the bay, but then how do they rise up to the bridge? Maybe a quick line to show them walking on air towards Paul?

    The asteroid comes out of left field. I was expecting the object to be the gateway to hell.

    You have an interesting premise, but the details are foggy. Give us some insight as to why Michael has a gun and Michelle was in the trunk.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #12
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
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    Bombay, India
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    159
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    Being "trapped" in purgatory with hell's asteroid looming towards you ain't a lot of fun, eh Sean?

    He's a sinner, kidnapped his girl and ran over this lady, I'm guessing on the Golden Gate bridge and it's now his personal purgatory. Only if he accepts his sins and turns into a good boy will he be able to go into the white light, otherwise it's good ole' Lucifer's asteroid express.

    The problem is, not many readers will get all the symbolism and will take your real world setting and characters at face value. So, with a big sigh, I must add that maybe a few little on-the-nose exposition clues might be called for. My choice would be a simple flashback, or just a last punchline from Paul about "purgatory."

    My little niggles are your descriptions which are a bit contradictory, "he's a pretty boy...but not so pretty anymore. She was good looking, but now is smashed up." I just want to know what they look like now, a pretty boy with cuts and bruises, a pretty woman who is all smashed up. Don't use two sentences when one ill do.

    Also, I know she has "two" broken legs, if there were more I'd not think purgatory but mutant-land. Works better if "Her face is a bloody mess and both legs are crushed to a pulp."

    Otherwise it was a sublime, fresh read for me. Nicely done!
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    #13
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    This felt a little random, like it was improvised and jotted down on the go. The characters are calm and confused one second, firing guns the next, then calm and understanding again. I didn't get how anyone was trapped? It was interesting, but a lot of things took me out of the story -- for instance, at one point Michelle calls Michael "David," which I'm assuming is an error and not a plot twist. At the end, Michael looks off the eastern side of the bridge at "the object," which on the page before, it was specifically pointed out that the object was on the WEST side of the bridge. I don't usually catch, or mind, things like that but I suppose there wasn't enough story to skimp on the details.

    -JMT
    "Trying to make a movie in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it." - Douglas Adams


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