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    #11
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    It looks like the page has been (and continues to be) down for a few days now, so I'll respond to some of the comments thus far:

    First of all, thanks for the comments from all. Also glad to see that I gotten to a few of the scripts written by some of the readers/participants as well.

    - How does Barry/Dawn know about the squid?
    They cansee part of it by that time. It should be noted that there's not a lot of room in the mini-subs. I did some research on various types that would best suit what I had in mind.

    - The characters (Dawn/Barry) are passive.
    Barry is shaken up. Not much he can do. Dawn comforts him. Vincent reassures them, calms them down. He's a professional, he knows his stuff. He's active and his priority is to others. That said, it made me reflect on something (see below)

    - Reader didn't know if the giant squid left
    I did indicate that the squid had given up.

    - Not much suspense.
    The challenge didn't specify if characters had to feel fear for an extended period of time.
    But these subs aren't huge; there would be a slight sense of claustraphobia and getting it in check.
    It was all lost on folks. That was on me. (see below)



    After given some reflection (as well as comments from another peer site I frequent) I decided to alter the script. Making the change goes like this...

    *Vincent isn't the one that wakes up first. It's Dawn. This was due to some of the exposition originally given and solves the suspense problem. We know that Vincent is a pro, had military/Coast Guard expierience as did his buisiness partner (Topside/Shawn). He says most anyone can be trained to pilot a submersive. Some of this remains, but I forgot about one of my favorite films, Alien. In that film, they killed off Dallas early in the film- the leader of the group. So if Vincent's background is intact, knock him out, and have Dawn move around in a small space with people five to ten inches above her.

    * Some dialog is omitted or switched around.

    * While not required in the rewrite, I'm still going to aim for six pages. It's working.
    Sadly, it may be more expensive.

    * I'm also considering making it "found footage" type of flavor. Maybe later.

    The revised version will be up on those sites I frequent, Talentville, maybe Simply Scripts. The current version that is here (or lost in the void?) is the one currently on Talentville, minus the stacking. Note that if voting continues here, it relates to the draft you all read and not the soon to be updated one. If anyone wants to see that updated version after the challenge, let me know.

    Thanks.


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    #12
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    This reminds me quite a bit of "the Abyss" with characters who sound and even dress like those in the Cameron flick, which isn't bad, but the similarities take away from an out-of-the-box experience.

    You have done your research and have the visuals and lingo down pat, but again, Giant Squids have been around famously in several films and books, so you do have to make this different, introduce characteristics besides the usual, "ooh tasty mini-sub, squid go num-num"

    What if this squid squirts Vincent who goes out in his scuba suit to investigate and enters back all covered in ink and totally psycho, intent to kill the couple? What if Barry's dead and the only way for them to escape is feed his body to the squid as bait while they swim away? These are dark ideas, sorry, but heck make the Squid perform a broadway number or have telepathic powers that he uses on Dawn as a voice inside her head?

    Honestly, you have a decent set-up here for a much longer piece and can take this anywhere you want for however long you want it to be. Right now the end peters out as the characters don't initiate any action towards their resolution, help arrives on its own and that's what doesn't get me involved with the story.

    You have a great visual sense and obviously work hard on research. Why not eke it out to a longer version?

    Good job!
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    #13
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    Not much to add here except that there are some great snippets throughout but I think the structure needs some revision. The set-up was too long as was the inciting incident (p3). I thought Vincent's reaction to being topsy turvy was a bit cavalier, I know he's an experienced seaman and all but…ass over tea kettle is not an every day occurrence.


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    #15
    Senior Member Eric Boellner's Avatar
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    Really not sure how to critique this. The story feels both prolonged and rushed alternatively, the dialogue is confusing and stilted, at the end I wondered what the point was. It's an interesting enough premise -- a submarine driver/pilot takes a tourist couple down to see a shipwreck and become sort of shipwrecked themselves -- but the execution needs a lot of work.

    -JMT
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    #16
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    I really like your writing style. Your dialogue is great. I absolutely love the visual of them all coming to and realizing they're upside down.
    Problem is, you ratchet up a fair amount of tension here but (a) your characters seem practically unfazed by the situation and, more importantly, (b) you totally let them off the hook! The squid goes away and a rescue boat shows up!?!
    Make your heroes be heroes. Put them in this jam and let them EARN their way out.
    Great writing though. Again, I really enjoy your style.


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    #17
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    Sorry I'm so late with my feedback - I was in a rush to get everything read and voted on before the deadline and never got round to commenting on most of the scripts.

    This didn't really take me. It wasn't bad, it was just that it felt like nothing really happened. The dialogue was ok (bits that could be improved, but that's already been pointed out so I won't go over the point), and some of it was really nice. I loved the slow realisation that they were hanging upside down, and the interaction between the young couple and the salty ol' sea captain was really well done. My main issue is the way that the story pans out. People go down to see a ship wreck. Sub fails, and everybody passes out. People wake up, upside down. Everybody wakes up and is basically fine. A giant squid starts to attack the sub, but the captain says not to worry, the squid can't really do anything. Squid gets bored and leaves. People get rescued.

    It's not just that there's no tension. That can be added by the director - as you've already pointed out, its a very small space, so tension can be achieved fairly easily. The problem is that all of the characters are so passive. They don't DO anything, they just sit there until the squid gets bored and leaves. The characters have to do something in order to be interesting for the reader, for us to either identify with them or aspire to be like them. Sitting in a sub until the big bad thing gets bored isn't character or plot development, its just stuff happening to people. Stuff shouldn't happen to people, people should make stuff happen.

    I reiterate - this isn't a bad script, not by a long shot. There's some great moment, its just needs a bit more thought and a more solid plot.
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    #18
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Thanks again for all the comments, pro and con. The rewrite is done and can be found at Talentville and soon on Simply Scripts. It's also the version I posted on Inktip.


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