Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18
  1. Collapse Details
    Red Devil, Blue Sea
    #1
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Michigan, USA
    Posts
    65
    Post
    reddevilbluesea.jpg

    Red Devil Blue Sea

    While exploring a sunken ship, three people discover that their mini-sub could share a similar fate.


    4 actors. One general location. Underwater/minimal FX
    Last edited by DarrenJSeeley; 02-02-2012 at 07:51 PM.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #2
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    Like the logline - makes me want to see it.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #3
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Ooo nice!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #4
    Senior Member namelok's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    209
    Default
    Really cool title.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #5
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    Not sure what to make of this. Cool idea, but these is so much unnecessary and, sorry, tedious dialog, that the whole think just sinks under its own weight. Sorry about the pun. You just don't create much tension. And how does the driver arriving help them? Has the squid gone? if so, can't they pilot the sub back to the surface. All the backstory at the beginning goes nowhere, the characters are bland and unineresting.

    The writing is fine for the most part, you're just not giving me an interesting story.

    Sorry, this one just didn't work for me.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #6
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Notes:
    - There either is a line missing between 'eyes focus...' and 'The time on...' or too many spaces.
    - 'talking less than a month...' ?
    - I'm guessing you mean to have these lines that look like poems. Not fond of the style.

    I'm not sure what you were trying to pull off with this one. It had a quick moment of drama and then the rest felt more like back story and then the ending just kinda faded out. I get the feeling that you ran into the page limit, but wanted to continue.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #7
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    Comments provided as read.
    Scores are 1-10
    Ten is the best I ever read.
    One the worse.
    TimMc


    Red Devil, Blue Sea by Darren J Seeley


    Overall: 5
    Plot: 4
    Characters: 6
    Dialogue: 8
    Theme:
    Structure: 7
    Originality: 4
    Style/Quality of Writing: 8
    Entertainment Value: 4
    Cinematic Quality: 4
    Synopsis: A couple are taken in a mini-sub to explore a sunken ship. They are attacked by a giant squid
    and knocked out for four hours. When they wake the squid goes away. A rescue diver comes.

    Comments:
    Pg 3
    Tilt up...his hat.
    ***Not sure what this means. I gather he is upside down?
    Does underwater equate to not feeling gravity?
    Pg 4
    Around four hours.
    ***So they were knocked out for 4 hours without major body damage? Plausible?
    Pg 5
    Turns his wrist...
    ***Not sure what this means


    Squid attacks are not a new story and nothing really happens. There really is
    no conflict. A day in the life. There is lots of dialogue, but for the most part is
    well written. This would be an expensive to make and so has little probability
    of production. It's obvious the writer has talent. Looking for story.


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #8
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Lake Mary, FL
    Posts
    221
    Default
    Interesting title. I'm intrigued.

    Vincent's exposition of the Tantalus feels forced. It comes out of nowhere at no urging from the other characters. Maybe Barry and Dawn could study the monitors and Vincent fills them in?

    The right margin of your action lines is getting cut off. I can't tell if it's one block of action, or several grouped together that lack a line break. It's making it difficult to read.

    You say Vincent opens his eyes after the strike. Was he on the floor? Unconscious?

    It's difficult to follow the action due to a lack of details. I did not know that Vincent, Barry, and Dawn were buckled into their seats. I read it as they were standing around. Thus, my concern when the attack occurred.

    Good job revealing that they're upside down!

    UNDERWATER should be an EXT scene.

    I like the suspense of being trapped underwater with a giant squid trying to eat you.

    My biggest concern is the lack of activity from the characters. They're passive. They do nothing to try to fix their situation. The squid swims away all on its own. The characters did not cause this to occur.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #9
    Default
    Very very difficult to follow. And for such a title, the story was very boring to me. Mainly because nothing happened. There wasn't even fear or suspense. The squid was completely unterrifying and nonthreatening, and wound up doing nothing.

    Nothing really happened in this story that I could see and the diver's arrival didn't really mean much anything either since the squid had already gone.

    Really weird. I was really expecting something to happen and was really caught unawares when I got the opposite.

    Good writing though. Nice and sharp. Just unclear at times and often confusing.


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #10
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Hi Darren,

    Thanks for the read.

    Good:
    This was a big idea. Kudos.
    Action was spaced well, but needs a little more work to get it tighter and fully understandable in each shot.
    Dialogue was good.
    Characters were good.

    Not so Good:
    This would be very difficult to make. But, not all of these shorts have to be.
    The ending was a little flat to me. We got to a point in the script where it was all set up and them we jumped to them being saved. This is more to do with space, granted, but this stiory deserves more!
    The couple are silent didn't tell me they were unconcious.
    How did the passengers know about the squid if only Vincent looks out. He doesn't say anything about the tentacles, so how do they know?

    Overall, a good story, a grand story. It does deserve more. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •