Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 21
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Notes:
    - I like my action blocks to have an action, but this is pacing at it's finest.
    - I like the setup showing us some miserable lonely place and then revealed we are at a golf course.
    - Did I say I liked this pacing? The howl scream just fits the ramped up tension.
    - Why can't this guy have a name? Why can't he just pass out?
    - It's Nigh.
    - Why can't the wife have a name. Reading She after She can get annoying.


    I'm not sure the flashback is needed, maybe just have his blood splatter a newspaper exclaiming the threat. I do see it is needed to set up the illusion, so you would probably need to lose it, but darn it I like it. Glad I don't have to do the rewrite. Overall a good script.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    - Why can't this guy have a name? Why can't he just pass out?
    - Why can't the wife have a name. Reading She after She can get annoying.
    Right, that's it, he's now called Chris Keaton and his wife is called Edna Keaton!


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    Right, that's it, he's now called Chris Keaton and his wife is called Edna Keaton!
    I feel honored.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Lake Mary, FL
    Posts
    221
    Default
    I like the setting. Very isolated and lonesome.

    "He sways with dizziness as the motion is too fast for his hurt head." You don't have to give us a reason for the dizziness. It's implied.

    The putting green should be its own scene. It is a new camera location.

    "The Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being." This is inside information. The viewing audience will not know why the man is searching.

    "begins to struggle a large RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER into front of it". Is he moving the lawnmower in front of the door?

    How does the Man lock the board across the window? Nails? Tape? Be specific.

    Capitalize your sound effects and remove the parentheses.

    The dream montage is a separate scene.

    The switch in POV from the Man to reality is confusing.

    So the man is a vampire? If so, then the wife and kids are vampire? Or werewolves?

    Your script reads more like a short story. You tell us what the Man is thinking, but the viewing audience will not be privy to this information. Focus on what we see and hear.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Clar View Post
    I like the setting. Very isolated and lonesome."He sways with dizziness as the motion is too fast for his hurt head." You don't have to give us a reason for the dizziness. It's implied.The putting green should be its own scene. It is a new camera location."The Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being." This is inside information. The viewing audience will not know why the man is searching."begins to struggle a large RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER into front of it". Is he moving the lawnmower in front of the door? How does the Man lock the board across the window? Nails? Tape? Be specific.Capitalize your sound effects and remove the parentheses.The dream montage is a separate scene.The switch in POV from the Man to reality is confusing. So the man is a vampire? If so, then the wife and kids are vampire? Or werewolves? Your script reads more like a short story. You tell us what the Man is thinking, but the viewing audience will not be privy to this information. Focus on what we see and hear.
    Bill, thank you for taking your time to read and review. Most of what you said I totally agree with, but I disagree with your final statement of it reads more like a short story. Yes there are areas that give emotions, but there aren't many and nothing the next draft wouldn't fix.


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    331
    Default
    Marshall!

    Fisrt off I commend you for the ambiguity. Any enemy of spoonfeeding is a friend of mine. And while some will always critique you for not packaging all the answers up neatly for them in a pretty parcel, well, if us writers don't push people to use their brains who will?! It is our duty! So well done.

    A couple of things slowed down the read for me. Some of your action lines were difficult to picture. I would say make them as clear and visual as you can. Leave no ambiguity when it comes to dramatic action. Particularly the point where you say the wife 'recedes'. Be careful with the words you choose when you use so few. Just say that she's dragged out the window, or pulled, or yanked. Something more immediately visually obvious.

    Also, your dream sequence was quite disjointed and tricky to visualise. I'd say cut it or make all the separate visuals much clearer.

    But yeah I love your take on the genre - a very different take and one that worked for me, technical issues aside.

    Nice tone, nice pace, nice job!


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    As always, thank you for your review and I agree with your comments.

    I always knew I wouldn't get it in without room for improvement.

    Thanks again.


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    19
    Default
    I thought the story was very slick and the writing was excellent. There is some gripping tension sprinkled throughout which made this a page turner for me. However, because the writing was so good I got very frustrated with some awkward bits here and there: P2 "begins to struggle a large Ride On" and P3 "Both are stood behind their parents." and P4 "stood before him". Otherwise, I enjoyed the read. Thanks.


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Thanks for taking time to read and review CSetten.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Michigan, USA
    Posts
    65
    Default
    I really started to like this a lot. But then these things bugged me. MAN. No name, just MAN. Then, he, he, he, he. We get to his wife in the dream. She. She. She. Then the sounds in parenthesis, when it isn't needed.

    I'm also confused as to what MAN was....or should I say about to become. The media should be clear on what the problem is. So should the writer. Surrealistic memories are nice, but it seemed to be mismatched with the generics of the chatacters.

    I'm really split on this. I don't like it....but I don't hate it.
    Love the kid beasts!


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •