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    Shed - by Marshall J. Dean
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Tagline - When darkness arrives, the hunt begins again.
    Last edited by DarkElastic; 02-02-2012 at 08:58 PM.


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Welcome back!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Drafts 1 and 2 complete. Awaiting some feedback. Won't be the best I've written, but I'm happy that I'll get it in on time.


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    #4
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Uploaded.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #5
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    I'm not sure how to begin.

    There's much here. There's much more here than a quick read will give. So I read it twice. Then a third time. I still don't fully understand it. I don't. But I do respect it. A lot.

    For one, the writing is clear and concise. No thick blocks of action. No flowery prose(not saying poetic speak isn't nice). The confusion came in during the dream sequence and did not let up. There were confusing lines like the whole "she recedes as the man runs away" part. Everything past that, i struggle to connect. I've tried and I know it all means something I know it all makes sense some how but I'm having a lot of trouble identifying what it all means.

    The ending, I imagined was his family, now werewolves, embracing him. And he can see that. One part of me believes that's right. The other part of me believes that he's hallucinating and the werewolves are really werewolves there to kill him, not his family. That would mean that maybe he's a vampire and vampires and werewolves are enemies? I don't know.

    But I do know I like it. I like it a lot.


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Zelljr,

    I just wanted to reply and say, you got it. That last paragraph is exactly what I was trying to achieve. Your choice! Every decision is up to you. What are they, when did he get bit, are they his family, etc. I wanted the reader to decide that and spoon feed very little.

    Thanks for taking time to read and review.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #7
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    I like your style, sir. I like your style.


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    #8
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    SHED by Marshall J. Dean

    Overall: 4
    Plot: 3
    Characters: 4
    Dialogue: 6
    Theme:
    Structure: 7
    Originality: 4
    Style/Quality of Writing: 6
    Entertainment Value: 4
    Cinematic Quality: 4

    Synopsis: A man awakens in the middle of nowhere and takes shelter in a shed. He is worried
    about something and barricades himself in. A werewolf shows up and gets in. There is a
    flashback describing news accounts of monsters and his wife being dragged from home. In
    the end his wife is actually the werewolf. Kills him?

    Comments:
    Cover
    ***I had to look up Yanchep, WA. To me that is Washington state. West coast Aussie - cool.
    Pg 1
    dirty clothes
    ***I'm automatically wondering what time frame so I know what kind of clothes.
    Pg 2
    ***Took a long time to get to the shed. The visuals were a bit to drawn out for my taste.
    ***I think pg 1 should have been one paragraph.
    Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being.
    ***How would we know visually what he is searching for?
    struggle a large RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER into front of it.
    ***grammar. He is trying to barricade the door with himself inside?
    locks the board in place
    ***thought it was rotten?
    (Howl/Scream)
    ***Needs better description. Is this a werewolf or human?
    using the Shears as a spade.
    ***Huh? Just dig with his hands.
    ***So a werewolf isn't going to find him in mulch? And he feels safer in it?
    Pg 3
    loses consciousness.
    ***Why?
    suit sat on a chair
    ***grammar
    She recedes
    ***Which means visually to us what?
    His Wife is pulled out of the window
    ***Didn't the guy just run away? He back?
    Pg 4
    The Man jumps back
    ***How does he see the werewolf if he is buried?
    Stood before him is his deceased wife.
    ***So it's his wife turned wolf?
    The Man does not notice.
    ***How shown visually?
    ***First I don't read trapped here - minus one point. The story is not fully complete in my eye.
    What is the conflict per se? That his wife became a werewolf and now is after him?
    I like your writing style of quick short actions to create fast pace. Yet, there
    is little action or interesting visuals.


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    #9
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Dark, you write great vivid visuals if I remember correctly and this is no exception. Though the repetitive staccato action makes it a halting read, the visual triggers are pretty awesome.

    ---
    "The Man searches the interior of the Shed for another being."
    ---
    This is a bit too intentional, especially using "being"

    I wish you'd used some smoother means to break up the montage shots, as their irregular lengths and locations are hard to transition from while they occur.

    Besides the fact that it's his POV are you thinking of visual colors or a particular look to differentitate between that and reality? I found myself struggling with that aspect, but on second read, I visualised the look from his photgraph and that worked to distinguish the tone.

    You're obviously not going for pure Vampire lore or Werewwolves either, since I then would question why the heck was he out in the sun all day?

    The first visuals with the whole news idea in chaos works, for me and does suffice.

    The trapped element arises out of his need to preserve his life, and I buy that.

    This was stark, visualised in detail and kept me hooked.

    Good job!

    PS: I'd honestly love some Werewolves to bite the Indian cricketers where the sun don't shine!
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

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    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Hey Marshall. First, thanks for the review on Animal Control. Now back at ya...

    I really liked the overall idea of this piece. At first the flashes between his family and the werewolves/vampires were confusing but in the end I think what happened was his family had turned into these beasts before he did and they were the ones to turn him into a werewolf. Right? Better them than having it done violently by others. I think?? That's what I'm going with. LOL.

    Your writing is very good and easy to read. I will mention that I had a hard time picturing the sizes of things. When I think "shed", I don't think of something very large. Maybe 12x12. But there seemed to be a lot of stuff in there including a pile of mulch large enough for him to dig a hole in and hide inside. Just made me really have to think about it and took me out of the story a bit.

    I liked many of your transitions...like the eyes of his wife to the eyes of the beast.

    This was a really unique type of trapped. Good story. Nice work!!!!


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