Thread: Parental Care

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    Parental Care
    #1
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    Some of us are just not ment to be parents.

    Very excited, finishing up on some stuff and will be done soon.
    This is my first ScriptFest and I'm looking forward to reading a lot of cool screenplays.
    All the best to everyone else.


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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Welcome to the party!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #3
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Note:
    - The first sentence tripped me up until I got comfortable with 'Baby' being a name.
    - You can and really should get rid of those (CONTINUED)s.

    Ok, she was trapped with a baby. It had dramatic moments, but I think I would've cared more for the piece if I knew Emma needed a lesson or how this night would benefit her, but then again you didn't really have the time for that.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    If I read "scans" one more time...

    What is it, the word of the day? Every script I've read has used it and it never looks good.

    There's a messy sentence or two in there as well. "She swiftly grabs it, her feet as if
    independent from her body start walking in circles." How does Emma step on Ann's cellphone?

    As for the story, I'm not quite sure what the point was but I liked it. A lot. I really liked the interaactions with the baby. I find that type of thing hilarious. I like the creativity with which you tackled the project. A light comedy with minimal consequences.

    I know there's significance to her keeping the sock at the end, but I don't know what it is. However, I don't think there was any significance to pg4 INT. KITCHEN NIGHT

    I really liked it. Good job.


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    #5
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Derle,

    Thanks for the read.

    Good:
    The trapped is a good "think outside the box" take on it.
    The script message is very good.
    I really liked the class of the people, that they are poisonous.
    The stealing of the sock was a nice touch.

    Not so Good:
    I don't want to pick everything out that needs work. I will just say that it's on the right track, but needs plenty of effort to make this good. Take it through a number of rewrites to get the action more understandable, as right now it's all over the place..

    Overall, a good effort, but needs work. Well done.
    Last edited by DarkElastic; 02-09-2012 at 03:27 PM.


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    #6
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    Thanks a lot for reviews guys, I appreciate it. Must say I agree with constructive advice that were given. My biggest concern was the fact that English is my second language
    and it would be obvious. I hope you enjoyed reading and thanks again for comments.


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    #7
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    "If he did, he would be a genius." Delete this line.

    Don't introduce Ann and Emma as TWO WOMEN. Tell us who they are. It'd be nice to know their ages as well.

    "Come in the kitchen, ’cause of airplane germs." I don't understand what this means.

    Several grammar errors.

    The dialogue doesn't flow. It feels forced and unnatural.

    "She tries and fails several times to feed him. That makes her quite irritable." This by itself can be an entire scene and you glossed over it. Show us these attempts and failures. Do not expect the reader or director to know what you're thinking. Be specific.

    Your story is cute but difficult to read due to numerous grammar mistakes. Whether or not English is your first language, it's beneficial to have someone proofread your script.

    The ending feels flat. Ann comes home and she's arguing with her husband. No resolution. Now she's arguing with Emma. No obstacles have been overcome other than getting Baby to sleep.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #8
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    With this story I felt that you don't stick to just your main premise and introduce a bit more plot for each character concerned. While this works well for features in a short, youre fairly limited to introducing your characters main conflict and resolving it.

    So, Emma, a prissy, yuppy lady is trapped with taking care of a baby, and of course she has no clue how to go about it. It's a unique take on the theme but again elements like their mom calling, then the infidelity of Ann and her husband's marriage gets a bit too heavy and takes away from your strong aspect.

    The sequence with Emma and the baby is your strongest aspect in the entire short and I feel you can trim out the rest and keep this in a light-hearted vein. If you then add a bit more exposition about how this experience has changed her, like you do with the sock, then it'll come across as a much more powerful script and will be a cool short script.

    The only other niggle of mine is that, I wish you'd taken some more liberties with the baby care other than generic feeding, poop, etc. Your best scene is when she dances bare-foot and the baby finally stops crying. I want you to be more creative with the other attempts at feeding etc.

    Good job, a decent read.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
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    #9
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    Thank you all for your comments, appreciate the feedback.
    I had a lot of fun and will definitely participate in the next fest.
    Once again, thank you a lot for reading my stuff.


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    #10
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    A little confusing, but I realized about halfway through that English probably wasn't your first language. I think the end needs a little bit more of a punch, it ended kind of quietly for all that she put up with. Unless, maybe that was the point. I would definitely try rewriting it a few times, double check your spelling and whether you're using the right words for things, and find a way to give a stronger resolution at the end.

    -JMT
    "Trying to make a movie in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it." - Douglas Adams


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