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    The Old Hag Phenomenon
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    Remy's trapped in her car, driving backwards at 70 mph into on-coming traffic... Or is she?

    3 Pages
    3 Characters
    2 Locations


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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Sounds interesting. I hope you keep the ending a mystery, until the end. Your tagline might just give away too much.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    Thanks Chris! Ah.. I hope it doesn't give too much away. Looking forward to submitting, this is my first scriptfest... I hope you keep them coming!


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    Senior Member TimCollins's Avatar
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    Great title, looking forward to it
    Timothy Collins - Writer/Director - Facebook | YouTube | IMDb | Twitter


    DREAMSPACE (Short Film) - 2nd Place @ 81st annual GCA Film Festival 2012
    Scriptfest IV: "GHOST TOWN"
    - Top 10


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    #5
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    thanks, Tim!


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    #6
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - Is the opening bit in the quotes spoken or written? If written use SUPER: or TITLE: and if spoken lay it out like dialog. It just makes it a little easier to understand what you want to do.
    - Compress and rewrite to make your action blocks as lean as possible. The first action block could easily be tighter. Heck, "Remy, an attractive red-head, rolls her car to a stop behind an SUV...' for example.
    - Literally? Of course she is, you are writing what we are seeing, so she couldn't figuratively be gasping for air.
    - I'm not fond of CLOSE ON and prefer just to describe what we are seeing, but this may make it clearer.
    - Describe what things look like, do say it looks like. You have a lot you can trim to replace with more active descriptions.

    Wow, a sleep paralysis story! Nice choice. Your style does needs work. This could be probably a page shorter if you tightened it up and it would make for a smoother read. Busy people only read smooth scripts. If it wasn't for the car running backwards this could be easy to shoot.

    I am still confused about what role the old woman played in all of this. Was she the hooded figure? Overall an interesting idea that if developed more could be killer.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #7
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Good logline, good premise. That block of text on the second page could be broken up a bit to three or four lines, and if you're going to call camera shots, there had better be a reason for them being in there. I think you can get away clean by not calling them.

    Out of curiousity, what was Remy trapped in? And for how long?
    I am not a big fan of dreams, nightmares and hallucinations in scripts. At the very least you could have milked the terrors and fears of being trapped in a car during an accident.


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    I'm going to be honest, I don't fully understand this script. I feel like there's something I missed, or that there's a "point" I just didn't catch. I liked that it was mostly visual, but it felt like this was an excerpt taken out of context from a much larger story, and there were a lot of characters (the woman, the dog, the cloaked figure) that I couldn't see how they were important or who they were supposed to be in relation to Remy's story (not as in, the woman being her 6th grade teacher, but as in - who is she, and why is it important that Remy's seen her or gotten a FB friend request from her?).

    I know that's all a bit harsh; I'm honestly not trying to be cruel or inconsiderate. You've got a solid grasp on how to write a clear script (I could see everything perfectly in my mind, which means you did a brilliant job describing it because usually even with the best screenplays, there are entire portions which I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be imagining). Ultimately, that's half the battle, but I would definitely study narrative structure, maybe read some Stephen King, or pore over a couple Steven Spielberg movies. The main thing that needs improving here is the story itself -- the way you tell it is good.

    -JMT
    "Trying to make a movie in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it." - Douglas Adams


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    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    I have to go along with Michael, I didn't quite get what was going on. The visuals were perfectly clear thanks to your descriptive wtiting, but it was hard to tell how the opening dream - at least I think that was what it was - tied into the figure in the room. Then the figure switches to her roommate. Why? This seemed like a string of interesting visuals strung together with no coherent storyline. Maybe you were just trying to create the true feeling of a nighmare, and if so, that worked quite well.

    Not sure i've ever seen a dog with dredlocks. I know there is some weird breed that has a coat that resembles dredlocks, is that what you were going for?

    A car has brakes, not breaks.

    Thanks for an interesting read.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #10
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    Keep your action paragraphs to four lines or less. It makes it easier to read.

    "stare right at Remy in the car". You don't have to tell us Remy's in the car. It's been established.

    This is was very difficult to read due to the overlong action sequences and paragraphs.

    I don't grasp the central conflict. You have a dream, a breathing problem, a big toe, a mystery figure, and a Facebook friend request. If the mystery figure is causing Remy's
    delusions, then give us an indication.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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