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    GLASS BOX -- by Harkus McDee
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    Attachment 46615

    "Sometimes the trapped man isn't the victim."


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Oh sounds interesting! Welcome to the party.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Harkus,

    Thanks for the read.

    Good:
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Short and sweet.

    Not so good:
    You could think too much into the idea of this and question the following:
    Why, what, when, where and how. But, I don't think that's the point of this script.
    The guard definately doesn't need to challenge the man, nor have his gun out. You could really trick the audience with this idea as well as quell any logic questions.
    Break your action up as well. Helps it to read better and understand the changes in action.

    Overall, funny, to the point. Thanks and well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    Thanks for taking the time to comment on this "story". (Well, set-up and a gag.) Not to get defensive, especially since you're probably right about the gun. I wrote it first without it. Then I got thinking like the guard. "This guy is not exactly playing with a full deck -- better be careful." OK, I admit it, I thought it might give the "story" a little misdirection too.

    Anyway, there it is.
    Thanks again.


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    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Comments provided as read.
    Scores are 1-10
    Ten is the best I ever read.
    One the worse.
    TimMc

    GLASS BOX by Harkus McDee

    Overall: 8
    Plot: 5
    Characters: 8
    Dialogue: 9
    Theme:
    Structure: 7
    Originality: 8
    Style/Quality of Writing: 8
    Entertainment Value: 8
    Cinematic Quality: 6

    Synopsis: A man attempts to get out of a glass room while a guard watches and taunts him.
    The man finally knocks himself silly. The guard wonders why he didn't try to pull, not
    push the door.

    Comments:
    Pg 1
    ANGRY MAN
    ***Even if you start out with os, we need to know what we are seeing - a black screen?
    "bring it on"
    If he is locked up why would the guard do this? He could taut him some other way and make more sense.
    I want out!
    ***Rather want in?
    P0ULL, not PUSH.
    ***Too funny, my script used the same concept.
    ***That's it?
    ***Hmmm…Plausible? Why are the glass rooms made as such?
    They weren't described as entry door ways such as used for weather buffers.
    I'm really impressed with how short you got this. I've re-read it a few times to see if it
    truly is a complete story. I think it is. Good job. Twilight Zone like.


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:

    Haha, now that was a short. I couldn't really visualize where he was, but I imagine it was a glass foyer? Very cute, could be worth shooting for the laugh. I'm not sure I like the guys rant, but you couldn't really build to this in one page, but filmed you could show his frustration grow. Good job.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    Couldn't visualize it at all but still found it pretty funny.

    Great job. Doing it as concisely as you did real made the story that much more enjoyable.


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    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    I'm unsure of your opening line from the Angry Man. We hear the line and expect more ranting and raving, yet we need time to take in the setting from the elevators, to the guard, to the glass boxes. It throws off the pacing.

    "STUNNED" shouldn't be capitalized. As far as I know, in action lines you only capitalize character intros and sound effects.

    The guard is very confrontational. From the "bring it on" sign to drawing his gun. It's an overreaction to a simple misunderstanding.

    Your story makes for a good skit, but there's one problem: your doors aren't uniform. The darkness door pulls as does the inner door. No office building would have two doors swing inwardly towards each other. What I'm getting at is, when the man shoulder tackles the inner doors, they would open.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    Automatic 5 points for brevity. I thought your writing was superb and I liked how you jump-started things with your opening line. I had a little trouble visualizing the size of the glass boxes. The twist at the end was just great, caught me unawares and was very funny. Bravo, I loved it.


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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Ah, yes! The ole' pull the door you silly angry person, don't push it, plot.

    "Snatch" did it, I remember a short cartoon that did it, I also remember a stupid criminals youtube video that shows a real-life idiot get into the same problem.

    You have tremendous skill to get me to chuckle at something I'm familiar with, so why not play around more with character development and give them some motives and dimension?

    I'm not too sure about both doors being pulled open and if the guy entered the box and has been in there for a hile he most probably can figure it out, because you haven't hinted on his intellect besides the fact that he's just seeing red.

    Gags are cool, great fun to visualize and shoot, but then there's no repeat value and nothing to gain except a few laughs. I guess it does serve the intent.

    Would love to read some longer writing from you in future contests.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
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