Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19
  1. Collapse Details
    Jam - by Pete Barry
    #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    2
    Default
    Jam Poster.jpg
    Jam
    Ray's stuck in traffic, not going anywhere - until the voices start coming out of his radio.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    2
    Default
    I'm new to this, so tell me if I'm doing anything wrong.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #3
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Liverpool - UK
    Posts
    106
    Default
    I'll be honest, I was hoping for a story about jam, until I saw your poster. And then remember that for some reason best kept to themselves, Americans call jam 'jelly'
    Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! - Top Ten - DVXScriptFest III, Top Three - Zoetrope Short Script of the Month
    http://www.heathergreig.co.uk


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #4
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Liverpool - UK
    Posts
    106
    Default
    Also, good luck! Don't worry about being new, everybody is new at some point.
    Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! - Top Ten - DVXScriptFest III, Top Three - Zoetrope Short Script of the Month
    http://www.heathergreig.co.uk


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #5
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Looks good, welcome to the club.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #6
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wherever I hang my head in despair
    Posts
    1,912
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by themightyshrub View Post
    I'll be honest, I was hoping for a story about jam, until I saw your poster. And then remember that for some reason best kept to themselves, Americans call jam 'jelly'
    Only the Americans who don't know the difference (don't have the actual number on me right now!). They can buy jam, jelly, preserves, or marmalade in their friendly, local grocery (actually I think the friendly grocers have all been run out of town, and replaced by mega markets). I'm partial to grape jam, if anyone cares.

    Yeah, a story about jam. I once knew a fly who was trapped in a jar of jam for several hours.


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #7
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Liverpool - UK
    Posts
    106
    Default
    See if you can get hold of apple and blackberry jam. It'll change your life.
    Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! - Top Ten - DVXScriptFest III, Top Three - Zoetrope Short Script of the Month
    http://www.heathergreig.co.uk


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #8
    Senior Member Zxander34's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    304
    Default
    This sounds pretty cool. Looking forward to it.
    Gh2, Canon FD set from 24-85mm and 14mm panasonic.


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #9
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Hi Pete,

    Thanks for the read.

    Good:
    Good idea.
    I liked the idea of the old radio tuning into the mobile phones.
    I loved the anti-hollywood ending and the detonation.
    I liked the lady yellow underwear bit...

    Not so Good:
    The idea of the old radio tuning into phone conversations was good, butg then it got complicated with the military and people trying to shoot him, and some how knowing he was able to hear them...
    You don't need the pffft sound. Tell us the gun is silenced.
    This seems a bigger idea squashed into 5 pages.

    Overall, a good story. I think it needs a little more care to really iron out this idea. I honestly think this is two good ideas squashed into one; a story about an old radio able to hear the new cell phones, and a story about a bomb and the swat's attempts to keep the waiting people quiet and unaware as their doom approaches. Well done though.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #10
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Bombay, India
    Posts
    159
    Default
    BRILLIANT use of the dialog slugs to quickly rattle of character-types, serving both description and economy of script page. Voice-actors would go gaga for this.

    The fact that ou never let your foot off the plot gas-pedal works quite well for the escalating tension.

    My only concern is that Ray himself never felt trapped to begin with and the gradual realisation that being trapped within what is likely to be an atmoic explosion comes with it's own mini-setup of him stumbling on to the army wave-length chatter.

    I personally think that it'd be awesome cool to begin with a single cop telling these guys not to leave their vehicles or something along those lines.

    That and humanise him a bit more, have him search for bottled water or something on the back-seat and reveal a baby-seat. OR just a photo on his dash with wife and kid. It'd make his death much more hard-hitting.

    Other than this, I think it's is a great "Twilight Zone" short, the sci-fi/doomsday/conspiracy elements don't need too much exposition as we'd just like to be with him.

    Good job, Pete!
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
    ______________________________________________
    Website | Blog


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •