Ray's stuck in traffic, not going anywhere - until the voices start coming out of his radio.
Thread: Jam - by Pete Barry
Results 1 to 10 of 19
01-20-2012 05:57 AM
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
01-20-2012 05:58 AM
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I'm new to this, so tell me if I'm doing anything wrong.
01-20-2012 01:30 PM
I'll be honest, I was hoping for a story about jam, until I saw your poster. And then remember that for some reason best kept to themselves, Americans call jam 'jelly'
01-20-2012 03:37 PM
Looks good, welcome to the club.
01-20-2012 09:27 PM
Yeah, a story about jam. I once knew a fly who was trapped in a jar of jam for several hours.
01-22-2012 10:29 AM
This sounds pretty cool. Looking forward to it.Gh2, Canon FD set from 24-85mm and 14mm panasonic.
02-09-2012 04:06 AM
Thanks for the read.
I liked the idea of the old radio tuning into the mobile phones.
I loved the anti-hollywood ending and the detonation.
I liked the lady yellow underwear bit...
Not so Good:
The idea of the old radio tuning into phone conversations was good, butg then it got complicated with the military and people trying to shoot him, and some how knowing he was able to hear them...
You don't need the pffft sound. Tell us the gun is silenced.
This seems a bigger idea squashed into 5 pages.
Overall, a good story. I think it needs a little more care to really iron out this idea. I honestly think this is two good ideas squashed into one; a story about an old radio able to hear the new cell phones, and a story about a bomb and the swat's attempts to keep the waiting people quiet and unaware as their doom approaches. Well done though.
02-09-2012 01:17 PM
BRILLIANT use of the dialog slugs to quickly rattle of character-types, serving both description and economy of script page. Voice-actors would go gaga for this.
The fact that ou never let your foot off the plot gas-pedal works quite well for the escalating tension.
My only concern is that Ray himself never felt trapped to begin with and the gradual realisation that being trapped within what is likely to be an atmoic explosion comes with it's own mini-setup of him stumbling on to the army wave-length chatter.
I personally think that it'd be awesome cool to begin with a single cop telling these guys not to leave their vehicles or something along those lines.
That and humanise him a bit more, have him search for bottled water or something on the back-seat and reveal a baby-seat. OR just a photo on his dash with wife and kid. It'd make his death much more hard-hitting.
Other than this, I think it's is a great "Twilight Zone" short, the sci-fi/doomsday/conspiracy elements don't need too much exposition as we'd just like to be with him.
Good job, Pete!