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    #11
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    Jan 2012
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    This was a breezy read, kept me engaged until the end. There was some good imagery and I think some good ideas sprinkled throughout. The cruelty toward the end was really well done. On the other hand, there were some awkward similes (cornered boar and trapped wolf: i couldn't relate the two very well, it's either one or the other unless they are similar to each other) and (like a curious dog or a snake eyeing its prey: in this context I get "curious dog" but wasn't so sure about a snake cocking its head). I wasn't clear on the point of the story. Was there a moral lesson? was there some theme I didn't pick up on? I agree with others (frankly wish the commentary was anonymous so I wouldn't be influenced) on the segmented feel to this. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the read and wanted to know more. In my book, when the audience wants more, you've done something right. Good job.


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    #12
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
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    Bombay, India
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    With all the Zombie and vampire variants that films, TV and games throw at us, you have to really, really get specific about your creatures. Are these generic Zombies and vampires? What do they wear? How old are they?

    The idea is for me to empathise and care about them enough to buy the premise you're selling. I don't mind that you take liberties with the myth about the creatures, in fact it's very cool to see a caring Zombie and "Fido" did it well too.

    This story needs some setting and time frame reference. Tell us if this is earth or maybe a fantasy world, futuristic or ancient?

    Could any other creatures work? Well, if it's like a Narnia setting, I don't see why not!

    So, for me to relae to specific Zombies and vampires fleeing the forest, give me some subtle exposition via dialog about the back-story.

    This is viceral, well-paced and quite original, but needs a bit more exposition to really work well.

    Polish this! The genre is quite popular and you could take it places if you expand the premise.
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    #13
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    Apr 2008
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    Phoenix, AZ
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    461
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    Interesting hodge podge of monsters. Seemed a rehash of the angry villagers chasing Frankenstein or the wolfman or insert monster. I wasn't sure of the men's motivation for killing all the monsters, other than killing all the monsters but they drug the zombie back into the forest so that confused me. You can probably cut down your action, it seemed overly descriptive, when you talk about blinking eyes then it ventures into that territory. Overall it was an interesting dynamic between the two monsters.


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    #14
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
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    Here's my thoughts on this:
    * First and foremost: beautifully written action. Great flow. Flies by. Great description.
    * The Zombie/Vamp "love" story is fantastic. I'm really cheering for these two.
    * Love the exploding-silver-bullet-shrapnel things. Coolness.
    * I did feel like the ending left me wanting something. I'm okay with a tragedy, but I think there was even more closure available in that area. Give these two pals a moment then kill them both off. Having the vamp go up in flames and leaving the zombie standing there gave the feeling like...I don't know...like it just wasn't quite finished.
    * I gave you a pretty high score though...your action sequences alone warranted that. Nice work.


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