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    #31
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Screenplay writers need to have unique voices, otherwise you might as well toss in templates into a software and let it churn out films to let the pop-corn businesses generate their zillions.

    You ma'am, have a great written voice.

    The conflict presented in "Alive" is inherent from the title and has the quickest set-up I've seen in the contest.

    Does Anya need to allude to her predicament in back-story?

    Well, it'd solve two of the plot devices that don't work so well for me.

    a) The surreal fairytale hardiness of "no deterioration" both in her physical self and her coffin.

    b) The cinematic source of lighting that I could plausibly accept. Blue light is so fairly generic for good ole' moon-light that its inclusion here doesn't work for me. (Matches would work so much better than a lighter, by the way.)

    If you establish some kind of time period and whether her situation arose out of fantasy/sci-fi, I think this would be pure brilliance.

    For example, her coffin has some magical quality or inscribed runes, that glow when she screams and kicks but otherwise just dull down and change color with her mood. This could also explain why no bugs burrow into her chamber or why the coffin doesn't show any great weakness to the pounding and gouging.

    Other than that, this was just sublime and a real treat in terms of character development.

    Me, I'd reveal the coffin is actually buried vertically and all she has to do is push the lid which is above her head and it'd pop off easily.

    Great writing, one my favorites!
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    #32
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    This one gripped me from the get-go. Great writing kept me immersed. I like that you didn't get too existential and abstract given the topic. Not that that is necessarily bad, but this felt grounded.

    I almost would have preferred to hear only Anya's V.O... maybe no on-screen dialogue. Your subtlety is great, but I could have used more... subtlety that is. Maybe another hint to the details of her Faustian deal... nothing too revealing of course.

    I really enjoyed this. Thanks.


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    #33
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Thank you all so much for the great feedback! I'm glad you liked it and you all made some really great suggestions too. Cheers!!!

    Derek, thanks!! And yeah I see what you mean about only hearing the V.O. - I thought about that too. Her spoken dialogue certainly isn't necessary.

    Rustom you are too kind So glad you liked this. I LOVE your idea about the lid - that adds a whole other dimension and ramps up the tension. (Rhymey!) Her lack of deterioration is supposed to be due to her particular brand of immortality but yep some explanation of the coffin's sturdiness makes sense. Also your idea to more clearly place this within a timeframe/world. Thanks!!

    Csetten thank you!! I see what you mean about the conflict plateau-ing a little. I could probably have done with making this a half a page shorter or so.

    MML sorry to mess with your head haha! Thanks for your comments and yep I think a hint or two wouldn't go amiss.

    Thanks all!!!


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    #34
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    I really liked this - it's beautifully suspenseful. So she's immortal... - nice idea for a short. The simplicity of it is catchy and I really liked the fact that you left it at that - she cannot escape, just her with her thoughts in the coffin she'll never get to escape. Man, gives me chills not that I worded it out.

    I was longing to see why she feared death and what she did to escape death. She was talking so much about it that it picked my interest. Please tell

    The pacing is great - really slow, makes me feel sick (in a good way).


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    #35
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    Needs a bit of a rewrite. Lighter seems out of place. This set with me for awhile after I read it. I really liked it.


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    #36
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    If Alex didn't make the introduction, do you still get to live happily ever after? bummer if you don't. This is my first post on this site. I suppose I should have found the intro forum, however, if you've ever jumped off a pier in order to learn how to swim...You get the point.


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    #37
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    I really enjoyed this. I'm kind of a newcomer around here, so you'll have to forgive me for repeating a bunch of stuff that everyone else is, apparently, well aware of:
    You have an easy style, but you're not afraid to get poetic. A very cool voice that I think I could read for many pages.
    A little disclaimer, just so you don't think I'm a straight ass-kiss: I'm the biggest V.O. fan on earth, and I love scripts with secrets that never really get revealed. So this one was right down my alley.
    Very cool visual with the hair growing and filling the coffin...a great way to reveal immortality.
    There was an aspect that left me feeling empty. I was fine with the mystery of HOW this immortality was achieved...totally fine with that. But I found myself disturbed that I didn't know WHY she was buried. Was it a betrayal, was it punishment? For some reason, that secret ate at me...go figure.
    Anyhoo...nice job. Very fun.


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