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    #21
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    ALIVE by Sarah Daly
    Last edited by Sunk99; 02-23-2012 at 09:43 AM. Reason: I did a poor review and apologize publically.


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    #22
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Since we're disingh out marks here sunk, I think out of 10, i'd give your 'review' a 2 ;) .. i'll happily elaborate upon that alongside with feedback for this script and others so Don't worry folks im here to join the fest's feedback squad!
    Last edited by lawriejaffa; 02-09-2012 at 02:17 PM.
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #23
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Dear Sunk99, I'm sorry to hear that your poetic license has been rebuked but I've still got mine. :P

    I apologise too that Final Draft, the world's most popular screenwriting program has formatted my script in a way that displeases you.

    Stars can't look? Nawww! Clouds can't wander either but that didn't stop Wordsworth.

    Re: 'It's dark how can we see anything?' Has nobody ever seen a scene in a movie where it's supposed to be pitch black where it actually IS pitch black?! Movie darkness is not the same as actual darkness. The audience has accepted this for many years and will for many more.

    Perhaps you missed the fact that she is immortal? She doesn't die. That is the second plot point - that is the resolution. If you missed that then I understand how you didn't see it was a complete story but I wonder how you managed to miss that? Perhaps I was too subtle and should have hammered the point home with a blunter instrument. The arc is in our understanding of her situation - in how it is revealed that she will be buried forever, and that there is a fate even worse than death. It's supposed to make you think about your own fear of mortality, which I assume most humans, being human have, and perhaps make you reconsider whether you'd truly like to live forever. But I guess thinking about such grand ideas isn't everyone's bag.

    And can I just ask - WHY are scriptwriters such b*stards to each other? We should be helping each other not hammering each other over the head with egotistical pedantry and petty one-up-man-ship. Directors don't give a damn about margins or 'We see' or whether you use 'she sings' or 'is singing'. We're the only ones who beat each other up about that and why? So we can feel like we're 'right' or smug or superior - well being right doesn't get your script sold - it only severs potential connections between you and other scriptwriters who may have been able to give you a leg up if you'd only been less of a condescending tool.

    So let's put personal taste aside, put pedantry aside, and give unbiased, unegotistical criticism. PLEASE.


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    #24
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    Who was being a bastard? Lol

    I liked the subtlety in this story. I'm a fan of subtlety. I don't like bombasticness. I don't like big explosions and yelling and all of that. I don't like in your face storytelling, or explaining, or heavy handedness. But that's just me.

    So keep up with the subtlety.


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    #25
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Harkus thank you for your review!

    Yep I'm not often a fan of voice-over but for something stylised like this I thought I'd go for it. I like the idea of having no dialogue too but if I chose to go down this path to make the film more easily produce-able (To save on flashbacks/backstory scenes)

    You're right about the timescale issues - I addressed them in my last reply and gave an idea for a quick fix - my thoughts were that the inital shots take place in the 60s/70s and the final shot is present day. Modern day cities can sprout up in 5-10 years so I figure that's a reasonably plausible timescale!

    Thanks again!

    ZellJr you're the 2nd person who didn't realise she was immortal but I'm sticking by my guns. I wouldn't want to spell it out anymore because I think it would make those who did get it feel like I was beating them over the head with it. Still, I'll take a look and make sure I'm definitely not being too vague. it's probably one of those things that's easier to miss when read than when seen on screen.

    themightyshrub thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it! Maybe it's a girl thing :P


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    #26
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZellJr View Post
    Who was being a bastard? Lol

    I liked the subtlety in this story. I'm a fan of subtlety. I don't like bombasticness. I don't like big explosions and yelling and all of that. I don't like in your face storytelling, or explaining, or heavy handedness. But that's just me.

    So keep up with the subtlety.
    Hehe not you Mostly a general complaint about when ego comes into these things and how mean writers can be to each other. but your comments were very nicely put so thank you


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    #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah Daly View Post
    Harkus thank you for your review!

    Yep I'm not often a fan of voice-over but for something stylised like this I thought I'd go for it. I like the idea of having no dialogue too but if I chose to go down this path to make the film more easily produce-able (To save on flashbacks/backstory scenes)

    You're right about the timescale issues - I addressed them in my last reply and gave an idea for a quick fix - my thoughts were that the inital shots take place in the 60s/70s and the final shot is present day. Modern day cities can sprout up in 5-10 years so I figure that's a reasonably plausible timescale!

    Thanks again!

    ZellJr you're the 2nd person who didn't realise she was immortal but I'm sticking by my guns. I wouldn't want to spell it out anymore because I think it would make those who did get it feel like I was beating them over the head with it. Still, I'll take a look and make sure I'm definitely not being too vague. it's probably one of those things that's easier to miss when read than when seen on screen.

    themightyshrub thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it! Maybe it's a girl thing :P
    i re read it and i understand it now. it was never a knock on you. i can miss things and i did. dont dumb it down. its good as it is. i like it.


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    #28
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    I know - it's easy to miss things when they're revealed in just a line or two of dialogue - I do it all the time. And thanks! You're very nice!


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    #29
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Holy crap...now that is trapped!! Jesus. That messed with my head. Written very well and it became just horrifying when you realize she's never getting out of there. The only thing I would suggest is to elaborate a bit on who it was that told her "be careful what you wish for" and also why and how she became who she was. Also maybe why she was buried. Not even full explanations...just a little hint.

    This was great. I need to get some air now.


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    #30
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    Sarah,
    I admire your writing: your word choices , the way you choose to describe things. The best part of this story was the end twist, which knocked my socks off. Anya's line about the horrors of her waking hours was just great. But, I guess we all are required to come up with some critique so here's my two cents. Everything is going great for first couple of pages but once I get into the rhythm of the story the tension plateaus on p 2.5 and you sort of repeat from there until we hit the twist. This was short enough that I hardly noticed it and your end was great, so I guess it works. By the way, I liked your ending line, it emphasized the immortality theme. Thanks for the read.


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