This is one of my favorites in the contest and the tone is pitch perfect here for a short. In fact, I personally feel like this would make a helluva video-game opening with Dickinson using a makeshift splint to fix his leg and then start kicking butt.
The reason I get a video-game vibe is because "The Tide" sounds awfully similar to the concept of "the Flood" from the popular game "Halo" and you might think of changing it if a few of your readers mention it. Otherwise, it's just me and my wacky imagination at work.
I prefer that you never show the monsters, but do wish you'd ante up the terror with specfic sound cues and some more living creature carnage besides just Dickinson in the supermarket. If they broke his leg they'll come for him, unless one of their own lost a limb or two in the process and the appendage lies in some goo a few feet away. Or a few of his dead mates litter the floor and are dragged away as the skittering shuffling sounds continue while he speaks with Carol.
You got me with the rescue scene and the end reminds me of the great "Langoliers" with the black approaching.
I loved it! Nicely done!
Thread: One Man Left Behind
Results 21 to 24 of 24
02-20-2012 12:24 PM
02-27-2012 05:09 PM
Hmm, I liked this one. It was an interesting set-up and a good play on the "trapped" theme. The false ending was great, I really thought it was going to be a "Just kidding! We came back for you!" moment, and the slip back to reality was well-written. Only real problem I had with this was the all-CAPS yelling. And a few pauses might have been more effective as action lines than wrylies -- I don't know about others, but I read wrylies quickly and don't usually give them much weight, so if a pause is meant to be brief, it works as a wrylie, but if it's meant to be a "full stop," I would definitely put it in an action line.
-JMTI am a man
who stands against the mountain
and thinks of pebbles
02-29-2012 04:45 AM
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
So there is no way to read these scripts now? Cause i don't know how to download them
02-29-2012 11:43 AM