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    One Man Left Behind
    #1
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    The army say that they leave no man behind. They lie.

    onemanposter.jpg
    Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! - Top Ten - DVXScriptFest III, Top Three - Zoetrope Short Script of the Month
    http://www.heathergreig.co.uk


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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Glad to see you back in the fray.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #3
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    Cobwebs needed dusting and this seemed like as good a place to do it as any.
    Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! - Top Ten - DVXScriptFest III, Top Three - Zoetrope Short Script of the Month
    http://www.heathergreig.co.uk


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    #4
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Yep it's like a reunion up in here!


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    #5
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Nice story, if a little predictable. Well written, believable characters. I was interested all the way through, the script moved at a good pace and delivered at the end.

    SPOILER!

    The false dream was a bit obvious, but not a deal killer. Filmed correctly, it would work.

    The line:
    Dickinson opens his eyes. He is sat against the chiller.

    Is that incorrect or just a Scottish thing?

    Thanks for an entertaining read.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #6
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - I was sucked in.
    - Noted some Brit speak.
    - A blaster? That's such a girly name for a gun.
    - What does the creature look like?

    Ah! I liked this ending. You could even play the rescue out a little more and then have the screech interrupt the scene and then jump cut skipping the whole freezing bit, make it jarring. Good job.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #7
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    I liked this for the most part. It really had me until Dickerson started to SHOUT. It's all IN CAPS and reads like it's way over the top when it doesn't need to be.
    I'm okay with Brit speak, but spell out third.
    A blaster makes me think of Star Wars, but maybe this is set in the near future (?) so having a high tech laser gun *could* be excused. Having a brief glimpse at the creature only gets more curious as to what it looks like. Is it a mutated wolf, one of Lovecraft's Old Ones or an alien? The setting actually reminded me of some B zombie flicks. (in a good way)

    "is sat" is a grammaritical error.
    No FADE IN


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    #8
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    - Noted some Brit speak.
    - A blaster? That's such a girly name for a gun.
    - What does the creature look like?

    Ah! I liked this ending. You could even play the rescue out a little more and then have the screech interrupt the scene and then jump cut skipping the whole freezing bit, make it jarring. Good job.
    Well, there would be Brit speak, I'm British! I know you're only pointing it out because there's no way I would have known, but I really hope that nobody marks me down for it. I don't mark people down for using Americanisms, and it's not a US competition, so as long as it's grammatically correct, and the spelling is fine in some variation of the English language, I don't see how it matters. (which I guess brings me to the whole 'is sat' thing. Can't believe I let that one slip through the net!)

    Blaster is a girly name for a gun, but I couldn't for the life of me think of a better word - it's not a pistol or anything, its some sort of future weapon with a battery power pack. Anybody got a better word? I was really at the end of my tether, and blaster was all I had.

    I chose not to describe the creatures for two reasons - one, it would have put me over the page limit, and two, I prefer the idea of not seeing them in full (and henceforth not really describing them). I think that when you know something is there, but you don't know what it is, it makes it far more scary. Your own imagination can come up with infinitely worse things that can be put down on paper.

    I'm glad you prefer this end, although to be honest, I didn't change it all that much from the first ending you read! I would have loved to play out the ending a bit more, but as I said, I just didn't have the space, and I didn't want to go over on to 8 pages. Having it interrupted by a screech is really good though, wish I'd thought of that!

    I liked this for the most part. It really had me until Dickerson started to SHOUT. It's all IN CAPS and reads like it's way over the top when it doesn't need to be.
    I'm okay with Brit speak, but spell out third.
    A blaster makes me think of Star Wars, but maybe this is set in the near future (?) so having a high tech laser gun *could* be excused. Having a brief glimpse at the creature only gets more curious as to what it looks like. Is it a mutated wolf, one of Lovecraft's Old Ones or an alien? The setting actually reminded me of some B zombie flicks. (in a good way)

    "is sat" is a grammaritical error.
    No FADE IN
    You're right, I should have just used (shouting) instead of putting it all in caps. It makes it look like somebody is yelling on the internet. I'm out of practise. Same with not spelling out third.
    Didn't put FADE IN because it would have pushed me on to 8 pages and I'd already trimmed everything I could out of the first page. Not really an excuse, but it's al I've got!

    Glad you liked it!
    Don't Say I Didn't Warn You! - Top Ten - DVXScriptFest III, Top Three - Zoetrope Short Script of the Month
    http://www.heathergreig.co.uk


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    #9
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    "Things are moving". What sort of things? Be specific. Describe sounds if you can.

    Tell us the supermarket is lit when you describe the setting. With your apocalyptic vibe, I'm assuming the power is out everywhere.

    Try to keep your action paragraphs to four lines or less.

    Page 3: Period after "Silence"

    I really like the dialogue coming from the radio. It's cold and detached. It feels like Hal.

    "He talks quickly, angry at the situation." You don't need to tell us he's angry. His actions reflect it.

    "He has given up any hope of rescue." This is Dickinson's inner thought. The viewing audience will not be privy to this information. Show us don't tell us.

    Good ending. Nice swerve job with the daydream.

    You have a good story. The characters are believable and the dialogue flows.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #10
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    I'm gonna go ahead and add Dickinson as my second favorite character in the competition.

    He was just great and the use of caps was perfect.

    The daydream was fantastic. I didn't even realize it until way later. Just great. Grim, but great. I felt really bad for Dickinson, who carried the story. Great character.


    I really enjoyed this. Great job. top 10 for sure. Maybe top 5.


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