Thread: Foolish Things

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    #11
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cherryd View Post
    you've gotta be s**tting me...
    lol
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #12
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Cherry,

    Thanks for the read.

    Good:
    I liked the story.
    I really enjoyed the way Ben was justifying their actions. The friendless kid making friends any means necessary.
    The main characters were good.
    The dialogue was fine.
    I thought the VO really helped here to understand Ben.

    Not so good:
    Clumped action. I know why here you didn't, but it would read better if you did break it up and simplify.
    I knew how it was going to end.

    Overall, a good read. Thanks.


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    #13
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - What happened to the title page?
    - I'd like to see someone film that opening shot.
    - You can lose the 'Cut To's they ain't needed.
    - This is a sick kid.
    - Wish you would've paced that ending a little better, but I guess you ran into the time limit.

    I guess this is a twist on being trapped. This kid was sick and the kids drowning him were sick, the whole thing was sick. Congrats, I believe that's what you were going for. Sure we knew he would die, but it was like watching a train wreck, you just can't look away. Good Job.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #14
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    Just finished reading your screenplay. Really dark stuff, man. It made me feel and think. That is definitely good.
    I loved interaction between parents. Must say this was a good read.


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    #15
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Foolish Things by Ben Conner

    Overall: 5
    Plot: 5
    Characters: 6
    Dialogue: 8
    Theme:
    Structure: 7
    Originality: 5
    Style/Quality of Writing: 7
    Entertainment Value: 3
    Cinematic Quality: 4

    Synopsis: A new boy in school, who puts up with anything to have friends, allows
    two boys to dunk him in the toilet and time how long he can hold his breath.
    This is repeated until he drowns.

    Comments:
    Cover
    ***Interesting
    Pg 1
    I can hold my breath
    ***He is putting his face in a school toilet of his own free will?
    on a pipe and penis stat
    ***Pipe?
    Pg 2
    ***So actually he was forced, but he didn't struggle at all?
    ***This was also his first day, and he calls the guys dunking him fiends.
    Pg 3
    This is the 47th second.
    Words shouldn't be spoken VO
    Pg 5
    ***Home Ec in Elementary?
    Quick slide show
    ***Assume this is a montage done wrong
    Pg 6
    yelling in voiceover:
    ***Wrylie?

    And he drowns. I don't see trapped here, but rather held.
    There would need to be more character groundwork laid I think to make this
    story plausible. Man there are some mean twisted characters/stories in
    this Trapped Fest. Who is the audience? Do you want such an audience?


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    #16
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    Man, this was a real downer. I'm just gonna...gonna go sit over here for a second. Clear my head.

    Jeez, man. The kid was so happy and was so excited to be "making friends".

    Great story. Smooth read. No real stumbling(though get rid of the cut to's). Just a joy to read and the end hurt me.

    Good job.


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    #17
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Yep this is great. The difference between Ben's perception and reality is so so tragic, and made even more so when it eventually kills him. The only niggle I had was the teacher talking to himself in the bathroom - which I think would seem a bit odd on film. But apart from that, great building of conflict, very sympathetic main character and a hardhitting ending. Great job!!


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    #18
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    In your opening scene, tell us Ben's face is underwater. If we see an air bubble escape his nose, then we're underwater with him. Other than that, a solid opening. I'm hooked.

    Kyle is quick to ask how long Ben can hold his breath. No attempt at small talk or intimidation.

    "They argue quietly and civilized, without looking away from their entertainment." Delete this line. You've shown us Mom and Dad are distracted and the dialogue is civil.

    Unnecessary use of "CUT TO:" throughout the script. I'm not 100% certain but you only need to use it when the action must immediately jump to the next scene without transition.

    "Pat looks worried; Kyle just looks annoyed." Can you give us some physical characteristics to convey worry and annoyance? Rapid, shallow breaths? Pursed lips? Grit teeth?

    Your ending is in limbo. We don't know if Ben lives or dies. Don't leave it undecided.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #19
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    i like the ending. the reader decides. and most everyone chose dies. the ending is fine.


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    #20
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    I think this story has one of the best hooks in the Fest. Your set up was really well done and done with economy. I admire the way you portrayed Ben's rationalization of his predicament and the ambivalence he must have felt about his circumstances, just a great idea and you executed well. Towards the end, however, things got too over the top for me and I struggled to believe that this could happen with this level of intensity in a way that eluded discovery. Even though the possibility of Ben's dying crossed my mind early on, I felt satisfied that you chose this denouement. So, for me, if you could finesse things a bit at the end I think this would truly be outstanding.


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