Thread: Foolish Things

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    #21
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    If a bad prank were played on Ben and he were locked in the stall or limited to the bathroom, I think this would be a nifty dark comic twist on the 'trapped' theme. I suppose it is open for interpretation. As for me, I have low tolerance levels for crass gutter humor. Still, someone out there still likes Adam Sandler movies, so what do I know. Iy just isn't for me.

    That said, aside from not spelling out a few numbers (fifth) and that odd title page, the writing is good overall.


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    #22
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    I don't know why but this reminds me of "South Park" with the twisted little premise involving the kids.

    Kids do tend to be quite dark amongst themselves and you've done an excellent job of conveying that through their actions and the VO. My only little concern is Ben choosing to be involved with this of his own volition, so the element of being trapped works well for the first time, but as it escalates he's doing this on his own free will, except when Kyle pins him down at the end. So, a bit of dilution as far as the theme is concerned.

    The other thing related to the same aspect is the directly blunt trigger of "How long can you hold your breath?" I wish he'd walk into their trap rather than them baiting him up.

    It's a minor niggle, in a story that has great exposition, back-story and an end that's really, really chilly.

    Also reminds me quite a bit of "Let the Right One In" with the whole, hold your breath underwater.

    Still, great craft, nicely done!
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    #23
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    Hey everyone-- I really appreciate the feedback. It's cool to see so many intelligent critics on this site. Everyone had something interesting to say, and I think that's really great. I'll certainly be considering some of the criticisms while writing my next short. And as for the compliments, those are always very welcome :P


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    #24
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    This was weird, and I'm really not sure how I feel about it. It had a dark, quirky nature that was certainly entertaining, but my reaction to a lot of it was "What the f--k?" There are a number of mistakes in the writing, and some of the lines are very on-the-nose, such as:

    DAD
    Christ almighty, Linda, donít you
    do anything but read and worry?

    MOM
    Donít YOU do anything but watch TV
    and criticize me all day?

    I think with a polish, maybe a rewrite, this could be something special. It's got the dark humor, the quirk, the inherent sadness brought about by watching a kid let himself go through something like that. On a side-note, I actually think "Foolish Things" is a very good title. It sums the story up very accurately without necessarily being obvious.

    -JMT
    "Trying to make a movie in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it." - Douglas Adams


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