I think being in the chest the whole time can be super freaky. And we'll be along for her ride.
Thread: Hope Chest
Results 11 to 15 of 15
02-10-2012 08:32 PM
02-11-2012 09:27 AM
Yes, it would be more powerful all inside. By the way, saw another reviewer question the durability of the chest if she could so easily cut a hole in it. I agree.
Maybe she could pop a wood knot out - no tools needed? Enjoyed it - good luck with it.
02-11-2012 07:20 PM
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I guess I have mixed feelings about this one. I was bewildered at first and wasn't sure about what was going on so IMO p1 set up could be clarified. The small eye hole device was a stretch for me but I'm glad i suspended my disbelief because it was off to the races after that. From 3.5 onward, the tension build was outstanding. But alas, the ending disappointed. I was expecting something…well…unexpected and nothing was delivered. I had invested all this emotional energy in to Hope and she died on me without teaching me something or leaving some sort of legacy that I could take with me and say" She made a difference, I'll always remember her". Overall, there were some special moments here and I enjoyed the ride. Thanks.
02-20-2012 01:09 PM
Your hope chest your rules. Give the darn thing a large keyhole covered by the fabric lining inside the chest and have her rip it to peep out to see all the action. In a one-on-one between shard of glass from a photo-frame and thick wooden wall of the chest, chest wins by TKO.
I'm guessing it's a wooden chest filled with plenty of air, so technically it'll float in the lake at the end, wouldn't it?
The only other niggle I have is her not being able to recognize her own husband?! I guessed it, coz' even random psychos need some motivation from their sordid pasts, and since you don't tell us much about him saving it for a twist, it doesn't seem plausible that she'd fail to realize it, even after being punched facing him.
Why make it a twist?
I think a lot more dramatic tension and fun can be had if she sees him kill her boyfriend and then begs for forgiveness but he's in no mood. There's your high stakes right there. It'll even solve your chest vs. out-of-chest scene issue, if she tries various tricks by talking with him and you cut back and forth.
She almost convinces him, but the cop shows up and she's no longer sorry but wants to get him killed. The more you make her reverse emotions the more we'll root for her to die or escape. It'll certainly be a lot more fun.
You have room to trim up some of the descriptions and pace this much smoother, especially with the cops arriving so randomly at the end. Even one line of OS dialog from the dying cop, "Need back-up, need back-up!" and then gunshots should do it.
This was a solid effort and stayed nicely to the theme, so great job there.
02-27-2012 06:02 PM
The general idea is interesting enough, though it would really work better as a longer work than a short. Perhaps it's simply because you had so much to tell in so little space, but a lot of the description was confusing, particularly the struggle between the Man and the Boyfriend. You read the first action block of that scene and it's a woman sleeping in bed, and then the next two blocks are people fighting but it launches into that without any introduction or heads up that there are even other characters in this room. We're just suddenly watching this fight that we must presume is taking place in that room, if only because there hasn't been a new header.
There are some typos, some rough lines, some of the dialogue is on-the-nose, but the overall script reads fairly easily after the first page or so. You actually did a very good job of describing a lot of the sights and sounds from inside the chest, something that's really not easy to describe clearly and concisely.
-JMTI am a man
who stands against the mountain
and thinks of pebbles