Thread: Death By Cop

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 26
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    214
    Default
    This is really atmospheric as all of your stuff. Really nice job with it - slow poignant build-up to a devastating ending.

    Unfortunately I read the first draft - noticed the Joes right away. It sticks out beautifully! I'll go through the new version, see if I spot any typos.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    I read the correct version.
    Page 3 - that should be Sheila's Mom (V.O.) not Sheila.
    Some folks think using (Cont'd) is passe. Doesn't really bother me.

    MAJOR SPOILER! MAJOR SPOILER! MAJOR SPOILER! MAJOR SPOILER!





    I think the last line: BOOM, BOOM, BOOM- The police announce as they bust in from outside. - reads a little odd, as if the cops are yelling Boom rather than gunning down Joe.

    Nice little script, but very depressing. Might be a little long, we get the family's problems early on. I'm not sure the insurance company would buy it, but it's a short script and there's only so much you can do. On screen it would have a lot of impact. Good job.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    Anthony,

    I give script criticism by the line as I read.



    Pg 1 he and his wife's bedroom. **I stumbled reading - grammar.
    **Uniform multiple instances in this action with odd capitalization
    CUT TO BLACK **usually used at story end. Used in this manner it is directing.
    INT. TOY STORE **I'm a bit lost why this scene is shown. Hopefully it is revealed later.
    Pg 2 **Love the cell phone scene.
    Pg 3 How's three-ish sound? **This should be SHEILA'S MOM (V.O.) not SHEILA.
    the phone drops put of her hands **grammar
    Pg 7 **Loved the ending and it explained the opening flashback.
    One addition I might suggest is to show him cutting off the orange tip on the gun.
    Might also do a quick flashback to the mailbox after revealing the last checkbook entry.
    Might I also recommend a title change that doesn't give away the ending.
    Great story - well written.


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Brooklyn, NY
    Posts
    1,470
    Default
    Most of the formatting/grammar notes seem to have been given, but I was thrown by the wife seeming to be introduced three times, as WOMAN, WIFE, and SHEILA. I thought maybe they were different women, and this was some weird polygamist short film. It seems like she should just be introduced as SHEILA in the first picture's description, and then referred to by Sheila from then on.

    I thought this was a strong piece. Lots of great visual storytelling, especially in the toy store. The out-of-sequence structure seemed a bit arbitrary at times, as in the random unnecessary scene of him pulling into the toy store.

    The pills scene in the bathroom was particularly strong. Nice details. It felt realistic and moving.

    There was too much crying for me overall. In such a short piece, I think it will lose impact with emotion overload.

    This definitely could be a very powerful short film.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    36
    Default
    ***SPOILERS***
    Hi Anthony, here we go. Making notes as I read.
    "Him" = him... or himself would probably be better (pg1)
    I'm assuming WOMAN and WIFE are the same person? You should introduce her and give her a name the first time even if it is just a picture.
    Hmmm why all these toys and the trips to the toy store... and no kid so far??? Please don't tell me...
    They are crying so I guess the kid is dead... but why doesn't the grandmother know?
    Now the kid is in the hallway... color me confused...
    Oh man, that's a dramatic ending... I did not see that coming.
    I would have liked to have seen some interaction with him and the kid... after all, he was planning to off himself, I would think that he would want to spend some time with her first. But then again, I guess he values money and physical goods (toys) more than his own presence in her life so that kind of explains that. The ending is especially sad because I don't think the insurance will pay because when they find out what he did they will call it a suicide... the wife could sue the city for the cops shooting him, I guess, though that would probably be hard to win as well. Bummer.
    Overall, this is well-written and you create a powerful sense of uneasiness. Nice job!

    PS Anthony, I have Todaro's in my family, in Italy. Do any of your family happen to be from Sicily near Agrigento?


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    444
    Default
    Thanks for the feedback everyone.


    @KhamIsk I'll take atmospheric thanks. Nothing worse than a chatty script that doesn't create feel.

    @taylormade Can you believe it's based on a few true stories? It's hard to beleive but totally true. BOOM BOOM You got something against John Lee Hooker man? ;p

    @Sunk99 - The orange tip... Lol. I had a shot of it broken off in the trash can. I pulled it in the rewrite. I guess it's going back in... Thanks for the compliments, BTW.

    @jasonthewho - I'll consider trimming the crying. Implied crying IS so much cooler. Muchas gracias amigo.

    @BasilSunshine - It's hard to believe, but this actually happened. Thanks for the compliments. Todaro's are like Jones's in Sicily. I wouldn't doubt we share some garlic infested chromosome. Pisan...
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    .... Todaro's are like Jones's in Sicily. I wouldn't doubt we share some garlic infested chromosome. Pisan...
    You both do look borderline insane... while I on the other hand look full blown nutter.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    444
    Default
    Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Why Brit-speak? Are you wearing a London Fog coat right now? Jollly good then.
    Thanks for the review, I forgot to thank you because you were all the way back on page 1.

    Nutter... I think of Nutter Butters when I read that. Nom.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    36
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    Todaro's are like Jones's in Sicily. I wouldn't doubt we share some garlic infested chromosome. Pisan...
    Hey hey Pisan! Heh, I didn't know that! All I know is that I have a really cute cousin named Todaro... (I know, I know... Shame on me! lol)


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    461
    Default
    Not sure how I feel about this one. Starting with the preview of the last scene first, you always have to keep that in mind when you read. So I kept thinking about the gun in his hand, is he going to shoot his wife or himself? So after seeing the couple's relationship wasn't ever in question the life insurance became a little predictable. You did get me with a little misdirection with the toy gun and the cops.

    The scenes in the toy store was the same scene just running parallel to everything else?

    Great job overall.
    Good job overall.


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •