Thread: Tags

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 17 of 17
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    BasilSunshine - got cha on the script format - your right. Been years since I last wrote a script. Guess I better re-educate myself again. My old ScreenWriter software didn't do me any favors.
    Julie is a female student. I see the error on pg 3 where I wrote "his head." Thanks for the catch.
    On the visuals, yeah I knew I could show more with dialogue overlaid . I was really trying to write a one location story though. I even cut visuals looking outside.
    I agree, it would be better. I guess I should have written more visual and let a director cut it back. I'm going to try a two person dirt cheap production ten page script next I think.
    Crocodile tears - you know, now that you mention it, I guess it does mean fake. Funny no body else caught that. We were thinking big tears of course.
    And yes, in the end the teacher thinks she is starting the first day of school and doesn't recall anything. A base premise.
    The add on info - I thought it would be nice to plug them.

    Taylormade - agreed. I wish I had all these critiques prior to submission as I would have done a full rewrite. Well - my first drama. I'm not unhappy, but agree here needs to be a 2.0.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    36
    Default
    No worries... I am on the first rewrite of my entry too. Comes with the territory.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Just check the list of typos in mine. Ugh.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Just check the list of typos in mine. Ugh.
    Isn't it funny you run spell check and have 2-3 other sets of eyes edit and ya still have typos!
    Go figure - gremlins.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    461
    Default
    Only complaint is the overuse of parentheticals, comes off as directing from the page. Otherwise solid story, solid ending. Great job.


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member simonpwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    740
    Default
    Yeah, this story all comes together in the end. I was wondering where it was going, and figured the teacher was going a bit far with the children she only just met (telling them all about her) - it seemed unrealistic, but the ending explains it. I never had a teacher tell us about their husbands or wives (but then again I never went to an American school). Educate me on this: what age group are Grade 5's?

    I would ditch the text at the end as it kind of cheapens the story for me; the point was already made in the story and in the end; that is the sacrifice people have made: the death, injury, and trauma of the soldiers has been covered well enough, and the effect on their children and wives has been woven in to the story too, so no sense belaboring it with text.

    Good job.


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    Simon,
    U.S. schools usually start grade 1 at 5-6 years old and go through grade 12 at age 17-18. So a 5th grader is 10-11 years old.
    Lucky for me my wife works at an elementary school so I was able to have the character maturity/dialogue checked.
    Quite common for a teacher to ask the kids to tell something about themselves to the class and the teacher usually starts off with herself to break the ice.
    The text at the end is a sales pitch for a web site that contributes donations to the education of children of fallen soldiers.
    How many flicks have you seen that are dedicated to a fallen production person? I feel it is value added.
    Thanks for the critique.


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •