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    #11
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks guys for the good technical feedback. Always appreciated. And I'm glad you both enjoyed it. I just downloaded your scripts and will probably get to them and your feedback tomorrow.


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    #12
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Hey the one I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.

    Here's the proper one.
    DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #13
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Age and gender, please.

    Nice script with terrific visuals. Liked the mother's story versus reality. Great job.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #14
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    I think it's very original to write the story this way. Somewhat funny to read about his "adventures" and see what he's doing - I mean funny in a super cool way
    And he doesn't knock - as much as I'd want him too, I must agree that it's a better ending than a happy ending would be... Very touching.

    Poor kid.

    I think that could be expanded - we know little about the father. --just a suggestion, in case if you ever need to write longer drama piece


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    #15
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    ***SPOILERS***
    OK Jason, here we go.
    NICE opening, that's a great visual. Maybe tighten up the description of what is happening with his eyelids just a little.
    I like how this is playing out with the mother's description of the adventures and the worn out Rich. I especially liked the mermaid part.
    Are there ice bars in NYC? Well I guess they have everything in NYC. When I hear ice bar I think of those hotels with a bar they carve out of actual ice in Canada and Sweden every winter. Maybe that's something different.
    Action blocks over 4 lines are poo-poo'd (I'm not entirely sure who does this poo-poo'ing but they seem important ) so you might want to tighten or break up a few of those.

    Oh man, the ending, you nailed it. The adventurous man who never sleeps and never stops can't bring himself to press that button. Very touching and sad. This was a really original and unique work. Well done.


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    #16
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    I give script criticism by the line as I read.

    Jason,
    Pg 2 **Love the switch from AJ to Amanda Jean when the mom is mad - very realistic dialogue so far.
    Since when does AJ call you daddy? **I'm confused - why would a kid call their grandpa Dad? Abrupt ending to the call. Why did he call?
    Pg 3 **Since daddy is a name shouldn't it be capitalized?
    In a submarine - **Cool!
    Pg 4 **great visuals with woman.
    Pg 6 reaches for the buzzer? **At his own home or are they divorced?
    The light goes out. **I loved the story up to here, but this was too abrupt an ending to me. The identification of the conflict was left unaddressed. Was this a normal nightly thing and his wife is angry? Anything would have worked. After the mom rises from the bed she could have muttered "Asshole." That would be one scenario. Were they divorced? The husband could have a reaction to the light going out realizing he went home rather than to his apartment. BTW - the explanation to calling her grandpa Daddy was not explained.
    Loved, loved this short. Well done.


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    #17
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    This was well written and very descriptive. I'd like to get a sense of how long Rich has been missing from AJ's life. So probably at least 4 years? If so, why does he feel the urge to come back and what is his motives for leaving? Also, it took a bit too long to get where you needed to be, I think if you got to the bedtime story faster you'd have more time to fill in the other questions or maybe those could be answered in those early scenes...my opinion.

    The parallels between the VO and the scene are great, I like that a lot. Great job.


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    #18
    Senior Member simonpwood's Avatar
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    This is a great story; I'd like to see this short film!

    I would say you could even make it shorter if you wanted; for instance it could start with the girl in bed and the mother about to read her a story, but the girl stops her and asks her to tell her about her dad.

    Perfect story, and a very visual script.


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    #19
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone who commented for all the comments and suggestions. I'll definitely take everyone's thoughts into account when revising.


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    #20
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    I liked this a lot. It has soul.


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