Thread: Lost and Found

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    Lost and Found
    #1
    Junior Member
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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Nice poster, welcome to the party.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #3
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Looks like a catchy story!


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    #4
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    Thanks, Chris.


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    #5
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    I hope readers enjoy it.


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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    I love question loglines. They always engage me. Poster comes across well.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #7
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    ****Don't read reviews until you've read the script.

    Notes:
    - I'm guilty of using names in dialog too much. Would he call him Junior when only expressing 'Good Job'?
    - Need and extra space before the scene heading to make the division of scenes more clear.
    - Action blocks look someone thick. Look for chances to trim and compress. White space is your friend.
    - Don't tell us we see a series of shots in your action block, but write it out as a series of shots. You had the page space to do it.
    - Oh no pot! It now has an 'R' rating. Of course shorts never get rated.
    - Oh no he's dead.
    - I don't see a mom mentioning 'secondary' unless she's a huge football fan.
    - I like the end.

    You don't want the twist reveal to happen very long after the audience has figured it out. It was a very nice story. Some of your descriptions need tightening with an eye on the visual nothing a rewrite can't fix. Good Job.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #8
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    **SPOILAGE

    1 - How young is he?

    1 - OKay we're years later, but he's still a boy? I'm not getting a sense of his age span.
    2 - Okay so they are 13?
    6 - Your action blocks are big. If you break them up it might be a quicker read.
    6 - autom"i"bile


    Interesting story, I think if he would have been speaking to his father the whole time and everyone just blows him off... that would have made your twist even better. Some form of foreshadowing. Check the active voice. It makes a major difference in screenwriting. You've got the makings of something very clever here. Gut wrenching too.

    SIDE NOTE--

    If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
    So if you download it, it's not the right one...

    Here's the proper one.
    DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G

    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 09-05-2011 at 10:51 PM.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #9
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    ***SPOILERS***
    OK, here we go.
    "manages to hit Mr. McGregor on the butt as he leans over to pull a weed, forcing him to step into the path of his sprinkler." LOL
    Oh no, the Dad is dead isn't he... that's so sad.
    Oh my God, how sad the ending is. I'm crying now That is an accomplishment.
    The only thing I can point out to help is that having action blocks of more than 4 lines is frowned upon so maybe break those up a little.
    This is really a great story. I would sound more enthusiastic if I weren't crying all over my monitor. Great job, really great job.


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    #10
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    Chris, thank you for the constructive criticism. I'll heed your advice!


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