I was unsure how the letter would be handled, I kind of figured the director could make a call regarding voiceover vs displayed on screen.
Yep I need to work on the formatting, not sure what the standards are really.
I had tried to actually start the film at the prison at one point, but I found I had to resort to a flashback to have it make sense, otherwise it seemed like a coincidence that his son was sent to collect him
Your point about the backstory being told, and the amount of exposition ties in with what most everyone else is saying, so I'm going to have to work on this.
Thanks for all your points. I hadn't considered the 'Friends' names (I wasn't a big fan of the show, and I was going for Irish names) - easy fix though.
Too much dialogue and exposition; this definitely needs to be addressed it appears. Any ideas how I could approach the backstory in a more visual way? Any tips or ideas appreciated!
Hmm...I actually put more time into the action blocks because I felt there was so much dialogue that I wanted to try and drive the story forward without extra words - hohum!
Thanks for your detailed analysis. The grammatical mistakes (and character name mistakes) you have pointed out will be corrected in the next rewrite. Surprised I missed so many!
Connemara would not be known by the average viewer at the beginning of the film, but I would hope that they would know it by the end. It did not come out in the script (mainly due to my inexperience and the 10 page limit) but the scenery would play an integral role in setting the tone and mood of this film. The landscape is very bleak, barren, and foreboding, and the final trek up the mountains would be a solemn affair with the landscape reflecting this shift. The specific area that the story is set in would be as important an aspect to the film, as say Death valley would be to a John Ford movie. The idea for this script came about after I trekked up that trail, so the two are inseparable.
The foul language introduced during the last 'act' is meant to represent a sudden and noticeable shift of tone in the story. The boy, Ross, in the beginning was always surrounded by his home comforts, his modern lifestyle and gadgets, and even the relative safety and security of his car. Once he gets up the mountain he suddenly seems very alone and vulnerable - his is totally out of his element, and the landscape would highlight this, as would the sudden introduction of foul language. The kinds of people that were actively involved in the IRA were not nice people, so essentially the audience needs to be reminded that he is alone in the world with a criminal murderer.
What is Dramatica Pro?
Thanks for your detailed analysis. I have gone through your corrections and will make the adjustments in the next rewrite.
Yeah the character of Eamon was there just so Ross could bounce some dialogue off of him. The character was meant to play a bigger role in the 'investigation' finding out who Joe was, but he had to be cut out due to the 10 page limit.
Exposition; yep this needs to be dealt with.
The Shrine is a little building with a door and window built into the side of the mountain - a cursory look through the window would reveal if anyone was in there (not made clear in the script).
"The car...the registration" Essentially I wanted Ross to have a dawning realization of what he had done. His mother had hid them from these people his entire life, but assuming "they" found his car they would be able to trace it back to his house and his mother. Something like that. It is a tangible link between these two worlds (as Joe proves at the end).
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Yep those action blocks seem to be an issue I am going to have to work on. I'll also have to work on a visual way to drive this story forward as you say. Any ideas?!
Thanks - yeah you hit the nail on the head. This was an incomplete idea for a longer script that has been rattling around in my head for a while. I cut the idea down to the bone to fit it in the 10 page limit, but it didn't work. That said many of the problems here would also be present in a longer version too, so I need to work on how to gel the past and present stories.
Thanks. Glad you liked the kneecapping - couldn't write a story about the IRA without one. Killing off the most likeable character was kind of the point of the whole story, given that when these two diffrent worlds collide there could only be one outcome. The original idea that I had was about the character Joe, it was always his story, but I just wanted to introduce him from a real world context to better show the monster he is.
Thanks. Yep, definitely too big for 10 pages. Unwritten in my head were 3 stories at 30 minutes each that revolved around this character of Joe - but I have never really been able to put them down on paper. The first story, The Western Way, introduced him with this sleight of hand (starting the story from Ross' perspective). The second one which is fully rounded (in my head) deals with him paying his dues (a mega twist ensues). The third story deals with his final showdown with his past - its not a fully formed story and the ending is still a bit fluid. The idea was to join them together to make a kind of feature length story in three parts. Doing this scriptfest was me trying to force myself to get something down on paper; well at least its a start.
Maybe someday I'll get it all out.
Thread: The Western Way
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09-15-2011 01:21 PM
Last edited by simonpwood; 09-15-2011 at 01:28 PM.