Thread: Never Let Go

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    #11
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    **SPOILERS

    1 - If 'she' sees it would be 'her' not 'Dana'.

    2 - beams happily or happily beams...
    2 - You switched Christina to Mother. Don't worry, I switched, BILL to JOE and my entire script became a comedy... lol. No points off.
    3 - fill"s" the room

    Your writing is getting very lean. This was a nice easy read. Very human story. Fuqk the gods, I miss my dad. I can dig it. Heavy stuff.

    SIDE NOTE--

    If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
    So if you download it, it's not the right one...

    Here's the proper one.
    DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G

    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 09-05-2011 at 10:53 PM.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #12
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    SPOILERS! *********


    Nice, easy read. I liked the story, no fuss, no muss, straightforward and to the point. The kite and "letting go" worked great. Nice job..
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #13
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    I related to this one. I'm glad you didn't go the way I thought it might go with Christina know/not knowing if Dad was really gone. At the end, I'm a little unclear if Mom brought the kite back and left the note. If that's the case then I think a shot of the kite floating away would really make that scene hit home. What else, I want to see Dana's own reaction, her own grief outside of being with Christina...an opportunity for that maybe a description of Dana's reaction to the photo album of Dad and Christina. Maybe the memory of that day then the phone call snaps her away from the memory. Also, Christina seems a little old at 13, I think a younger character would sell it better. And Granny maybe a little harsh, come on it's been only a month...unless maybe it's Dad's in law and she never liked her daughter's choice in a husband. Just kidding, I know there needs to be a 3rd character to call out the behavior.

    Overall it was a fantastic read and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


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    #14
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    I give script criticism by the line as I read.

    Pg 1 he's at the important meeting. Typo an important meeting
    at a kite typo the kite
    Pg 2 Her mother is about to take the third plate is sort of a big give-away that Dad is dead. Would a widow really do this with the plate?
    Pg 3 fill typo fills
    It's just a little role playing we I think for the reader to accept this, we needed to see more that her mom is a bit off her rocker after her husbands death.
    Look at her Didn't she leave already?
    Pg 4 class teacher Realistic dialogue? Maybe just teacher?
    Sorry I have to tell this to you in the message... typo a message
    at school tonight at school today?
    Pg 6 unfolds the rope You mean string
    Pg 7 "never let go". I'm a bit lost on the ending. Is this alluding a ghost? Did she actually let the kite go and it somehow reappeared or did she sneak it in? There also wasn't a precursor to the saying "never let go."
    All in all a good story but needs some more polish to really excel. Could be quite powerful if the mom and daughter are made to be more alike and the mother is shown to be just as bad off as her daughter.
    Well done!


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    #15
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    @Basil
    Thanks! I'm especially happy that you liked the dialog - I'm never good with dialog, so I'm thrilled to hear that. Glad you liked it.

    @Chris
    Hey Chris, glad you liked it! Yeah, I can't remember to put the info on the first page. I do it every time! Thanks for the read.

    @Anthony
    Thanks for the read and the notes. I'll make the amends. Nice to see you liked it!

    @Taylormade
    Thank you! I thought that "straightforward" will work somewhat against it but I was wrong. Glad to see you liked it!

    @Mobie540
    Thanks! The girl wrote it - it's all about her, she didn't want her father go, so she didn't let it go and wrote the words on the kite. Thanks for the read!

    @Sunk99
    Thanks for the read and the typos! I'll get to them.


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    #16
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    I liked this a lot, but was a little thrown by the very end. Because we don't see her sneaking the kite back in or anything, there's definitely the possibility that it's the ghost of the father or something. Plus, I doubt she would hide it in the corner. More likely it would be in the closet or under the bed.

    My favorite part was the flying the kite scene. I can see the dialogue of "Hey Dad, you’re falling behind. Come on... Hurry... " being very emotional. In fact, it was emotional for me, while reading. I felt you could have very easily ran with that emotion and intensified it with her painfully forcing herself to let go. But I can see that it's hard to believe that she would make that kind of emotional change in an eight page script.

    Overall a nice easy read, with strong writing.


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    #17
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    @jasonthewho
    "More likely it would be in the closet or under the bed." - that's a really good idea. She may even dunk it deeper under or something... Thanks for the read!


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    #18
    Senior Member simonpwood's Avatar
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    I liked it. Very easy to read. Linear story - I figured the dad was dead from page one (aren't they always in short films!). I figured the ending before it happened too, but I guess you were not aiming for a twist or anything - its a straight and simple touching story.

    Teacher says 'tonight' (what kind of school is that?).

    I kind of feel when the girl is running with the kite it would almost be better for her not say the word 'dad' at all - it might be more ominous if she looked back and smiled and said "You’re falling behind! Come on... Hurry..."


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    #19
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Thanks Simon! Yeah, her not say "dad" at all gave me shivers too


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    #20
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    It depends on what you want to do with it when its bigger. If you want to use in video, you probably can resample it enough in Photoshop be make it 1920x1080. If you want to print it larger, say movie poster size, I would print it and then scan it at high res, say 600 dpi and then work it in Photoshop with some Gaussian blur and the colored pencil or crayon pre-set in Photoshop.


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