Thread: Father of Mine

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    #21
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Wow, that was a really pleasant surprise. Very rich and detailed. Everything was specific. So specific there was almost an arbitrariness to it. Like, why a sushi chef? But I think the arbitrariness is why I liked it so much. It doesn't feel pat. I like the tone of it, the mixture of drama and comedy and quirk, with the stylistic touches of the two headshots merging, the subtitles, and so on.

    My only complaint is that his dad being a member of Parliament is so weird, I feel like we need something to slightly set that up. A suggestion that he was a con man when he was back in the states, or something. Just so it feels slightly more plausible.

    Loved the kid smoking the bill, the sushi-aficionado British kid, and the cinematic feel to the entire screenplay. Very nice work.


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    #22
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    Jason, Thanks! I will try to think of a way to take your suggestion about the Dad. I also wanted to show he didn't have a British accent before but I never ended up working that in. The problem that I kept running into was that he barely remembers him. Thanks again.


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    #23
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    Very strong writing. I will say you got away with shaving the page count with some of the flashbacks but anyway. No complaints, liked how developed the characters were. Great Job!


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    #24
    Senior Member simonpwood's Avatar
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    A pleasure to read. It was an interesting world you created, with lots of seemingly random ideas bouncing around, yet working as a whole (somehow!).

    British people do say 'innit', but not in the context that you have used it. They would say innit as a type of confirmation, or to twist the ending of a statement into a question. Its not likely that the child of a member of parliament would say innit, unless he was just doing it to piss of his dad.


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    #25
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    Thanks, Mobie and Simon!

    Simon, I meant the "innit" as a rhetorical question or emphasis... "It's not racist if it's true, isn't that so?"... "She found him, right?" (Because she's a hooker.) Maybe like an American kid would say "duh." I would imagine he would say it to piss off his Dad, now that you mention it... or just to amuse himself


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