Thread: Father of Mine

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    #11
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    That kid is planking! Killer logline.

    @ Keaton - You crave metal because you are a cyborg. I've known this for a while... sorry to break it to you over the 'interwebs'
    That would explain a lot, especially the wires in my head.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #12
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Basil, how's Circalit? Has it grown up yet?

    *** Don't read reviews until you've read the screenplay.

    Notes:
    - Try to avoid 'are' and 'is'. The way you write is fine, but if you avoid these your writing will pop.
    - Need an extra space before your scene headings to make it an easier read.
    - "A brief image flickers through his mind" How are we going to SEE this? A change in formatting could fix this.
    - Not sure the subtitles are needed, we can tell he's indignant. I don't think any of the subtitles are needed. A little mystery is a good thing.
    - There is no in your mind stuff in a screenplay. It's a flashback or a dream sequence, and you will set it up that way.

    I liked this. Good characters and a good ending. You set a fully fleshed out world for your characters to play in. If I hadn't just had sushi this could've made me hungry.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
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    #13
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    Hey Chris, Thanks. And thanks for the notes for the rewrite. I know that is one of my issues to work on, the "are" and "is," ARGH!

    About Circlelit, I dunno? I just joined it so I don't know if it's changed I like how it is set up so far, it's pretty slick.


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    #14
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    **SPOILERS

    Very compelling writing. The twist was cool.


    If I had one suggestion it would be to cut some of it. I think it would
    work without the bedroom scene. A little convenient w/ the kid being his brother,
    but still really fun to read. Fluid writing.

    SIDE NOTE--

    If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
    So if you download it, it's not the right one...

    Here's the proper one.
    DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G

    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 09-05-2011 at 10:52 PM.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
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    #15
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Basil, I really liked it especially the ending.

    Congrats on a nice story. All his life he wants to punch his dad and he does it in the end - this is not heavy and yet very very touching. Really nice story.
    If I had to pick on one thing it would be the flashback on p 9 - I kind of reread to understand that it's a flashback. Otherwise very nice build up. Very good opening, he rolls the 5 dollar bill, his dad's gift into a sigarette - that's a truly neat touch.
    Overall there's a lot of texture in your short, lots of japanese - looks like a lot of thought went into this one. Great job!


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    #16
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    Thanks, Anthony. I wanted to show with the bedroom scene that despite his father, he has a good life, he is loved. And yeah, add a little romance/sex. I realize that will make some people want to yak I know what you mean about the brother. Well, I wrote the whole first scene with the little obnoxious kid before I realized that was his brother or figured out much of what would happen in the story. At first I thought they would just relate over their fathers being a-holes. So it was kind of a surprise to me. I will definitely read yours too (and everyone's). Thanks again!

    Thanks, Khamanna! Chris also mentioned the flashbacks. I will rewrite that. Glad you liked the smoking fiver. Not sure where some of this stuff comes from in my head lol. Also glad you liked the ending. I was thinking some people wouldn't like that they don't find out if they reconciled, but I really didn't want to go into that... when I got to the end of the story it seemed like he would definitely have a relationship with his little brother no matter what happened with his father. Thanks again!


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    #17
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Very nice script. Well written, original, amusing and thoughtful. I really enjoyed it.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #18
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    Richard, thanks so much!
    Last edited by BasilSunshine; 09-06-2011 at 10:42 PM.


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    #19
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    I give script criticism by the line as I read.


    Pg 2 He puts the cigarette **smoking at 12 - not good. Would he burn a $5 bill?
    Jack, now in his 30's, **Needs a visual to link the young to the old.
    A brief image flickers through his mind, **This is another scene rather than action. A flashback.
    His reverie is broken and back to scene
    Pg 3 the poo pooing **If the language can be avoided I would - bigger audience.
    Pg 5 SUBTITLE: **Not sure if the use of subtitles is funny or not.
    Pg 6 Jack relives a scene **This is again another scene not action.
    Pg 9 In Jack's mind a headshot **again another scene. I'm lost - so is this himself or a very young half brother or what?


    **Sorry I didn't get the ending. Might be a culture/language difference thing as it sounds like you are from the UK?


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    #20
    Member BasilSunshine's Avatar
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    Hi Sunk99,
    He doesn't want anything from the father who's abandoned them (and you find out later, abused his mother), including money.
    The visual link is the smoking and the "badass" face.
    Others have mentioned the same thing about the flashbacks, that will be revised.
    At the end, Jack introduces himself in Japanese to the kid, who hears his own name (ie, that's his younger half brother, with the same name as him). He then realizes the kid's Dad is his own Dad (and he named the kid "the second," replacing himself). The headshot is comparing the Dad he remembers (a ruffian who wore flannels) to the old rich dude.

    I'm not from the UK but the kid is Thanks for your review!


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