Formatted nicely. Not too wordy. The jumping between 2011 and 1973 is confusing at the end, who sees what exactly and who hears what, maybe a parenthetical 'JACKSON (From the machine) [Dialogue].
I was hoping it was just a machine that did nothing and Jackson obsessed over it, Phil was following in those footsteps but through the course of the story would realize Jack was more important than the machine in the basement. But it's a Keaton script so time travel machine it is.
Didn't care for this particular line of dialogue, "My dad and grandpa..." sounds like two different people.
Great job overall.
Thread: Time Of My Father
Results 11 to 18 of 18
09-07-2011 07:12 PM
09-07-2011 09:25 PM
I liked this a lot, Chris. I'm a sucker for this kind of sci-fi drama thing. It reminds me of Frequency.
"Tears well in Phil’s eyes.
This was my father’s last experiment.
He died before he could finish it.
Sheryl turns and embraces Phil."
Pretty cheesy. Cut the tears, and maybe the embrace as well.
The end feels rushed, and since you were maxing out the ten page limit, I assume it was. I think if you gave it some breathing room Phil's choice to pay attention to his son would feel more deserved and realistic.
This one was definitely a page turner for me, I was hooked from early on and had to keep reading to find out the ending. I could definitely imagine it as a film.
09-07-2011 09:39 PM
@Sunk99 and KhamIsk - Thanks for the review. I'm not sure how I got so may typos in this.
@Mobie540 - Well it was a Keaton script, just be glad everyone didn't die at the end.
@Jason - Drama and Me = Cheese. Usually I write something that has no chance of getting produced for this contest, but now I'm trying to only write stuff that can be filmed. It's ready for your genius.
09-11-2011 12:53 PM
Good story. But there were a couple of things I didn't really get:
- The guy is 40 years old and only just starts tidying the basement. Once he decides to start tidying he doesn't look under the biggest thing there? Maybe it would be better if he uncovers this thing at the beginning (no need for the wife to do it)? Perhaps he has just inherited the house from a relative or something (to explain why he's never looked down there).
- The ending is sweet, but it kind seems odd that the father (Jackson) is giving his son fatherly advice about seizing what is important (his son) while he is ignoring him as a child behind him - they kind of cancel each other out?
Good story though, with a nice circularity to it.
09-11-2011 04:34 PM
Thanks Simon. The advice given by his father was accidental. Jackson was speaking of his experiment, but he realized that his son was more important, especially after being reminded how his father treated him.
11-06-2011 03:08 PM
I know i did the poster and i'm on team keaton, but this script totally worked for me, in both an emotional and logical sense.
I would love to see this made, it reminds me of my favorite show from the 80's AMAZING STORIES. It's a story of obsession and redemption, it's thought provoking and sentimental. Maybe because I'm a guy with a great relationship with my dad because he always made time for me... this really hit home for me. great writing keaton.Matt Harris
Director / Composer / Colorist / Motion graphics
DVXFEST ENTRIES: GLASSJAW / CABIN / CLARA / THE SOLUTION / LAKE WICWAS / BACKFIRE
BOUNTY ON A DEAD MAN'S HEAD / VACCINE / NO HORIZON / THE BOATSHED / CLEAR SPACE
11-06-2011 03:23 PM
Team Keaton. lol
Thanks Matt. You know the next fest is drama fest.