Thread: Desolation Road

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    #11
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    There are many ghost stories but you didn't just write a mindless ghost story, you put quite some drama in it. And that's why I really liked it - the woman was waiting for her husband and as a ghost she reunites with him, presumably over and over.
    Creepy and nice. The dramatic impact made it this good, I think.

    I'm not sure if you need the very last scene. It adds more of a "ghostly", but the drama - the drama is over by then. I really liked the drama aspect of it.


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    #12
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    I give script criticism by the line as I read.

    Pg 1 CLOOTIE HAWKINS **Love the name. Love the opening visuals.
    Pg 2 The devil. **Hmmm...peaked my interest so I googled it. Yep - Scottish term.
    Pg 3 We we're walking **typo BTW your dialogue is very believable.
    Pg 7 CLOOTIE Get up off your ass and go to them. **Reading stumble. Add dialogue to previous same character.
    This can't be happening over and over **Given this shouldn't she have known where is was in town?
    Pg 8 CLootie looks in the window **L capitalized
    Take me to where you found them. **Let me guess - they're dead?
    Pg 9 into the cab **truck
    EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY **Hmmm...I would have thought fade to black.
    Pg 10 **I liked the additional ending with the Dad. I might suggest changing day to night for the ghost scenes - more ghosty.
    Not sure if it's a drama genre. Excellent story and very well written.


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    #13
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    I really liked this. Nice twist (and I don't like twists generally). I especially like the powerful punch the ending packs, with the father joining his family on their long walk.

    Besides the typos other people mentioned, there was one scene where you attributed dialogue to SARAH that I believe belongs to EDNA.

    My only real problem was the opening Green Day narration. The association with Boulevard of Broken Dreams fights against the setting and time period.


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    #14
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasonthewho View Post
    ......My only real problem was the opening Green Day narration. The association with Boulevard of Broken Dreams fights against the setting and time period.
    Hah, I thought it was White Snake.
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    #15
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    White Snake has a similar lyric too:

    "An' here I go again on my own
    Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
    Like a drifter I was born to walk alone"

    But Green Day's is:

    "I walk a lonely road
    the only road that I have ever known"


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    #16
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    The original quote - where I first read it - comes from Johannes Eckhart - (ca. 1260-1327), a German Dominican mystic. I read it when we were doing research on a documentary I shot in Europe about fifteen years ago and I always wanted to use it. I guess Green Day stole it before I could. Of course, Johannes might have cribbed it from someone else 700 years ago.
    Last edited by taylormade; 09-08-2011 at 11:33 AM.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #17
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    I was wondering if it was from something else. I assumed you wouldn't quote Green Day in a Depression piece. I searched Google to see if anything else came up, but after 3 pages of Green Day and White Snake lyrics, I gave up.


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    #19
    Senior Member simonpwood's Avatar
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    This is a nice twist on the old vanishing hitchhiker myth (that one seems surprisingly underused in films). I like the fact that you misdirected the audience to begin with (I figured Clootie was taking them on a journey to hell).

    Solid story. Good ending.


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