Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 38
  1. Collapse Details
    #21
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    It's fixed. Enjoy.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #22
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    214
    Default
    This one really shook me and I pinched myself just in case... The twist is very unexpected, haunting for some reason.

    I was going to complain about Reb's motivation to go on with the war but at the end it's not important at all... It reminds me a log of a man in the machine and that other one you wrote for MP (also about mighty brain).
    No depth to characters, no much action, the machines are the main visual and yet this one is my favorite of the batch... because all these other things seem so unimportant in the end.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #23
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    Glad they finally got this on line. I enjoyed reading it.

    They invented commas and possesives for a reason. It's always a good idea to use them when writing.

    No need to tell us the robots are marching with white flags a second time - you already established it.

    I really liked the subtle humor in the variety of robots and how they acted. Especially the medic robot, very clever and very entertaining.

    A nice, easy writing style. Very descriptive, easy to follow, tight and to the point.

    SPOILER!



    Sorry, but I saw the bit with Reb being a robot early on. His character is so heavy-handed, you know he's going to be the twist at the end and what other twist is there? The guy who hates gets his just desserts by being what he hates.

    The other problem I had is the small venue. The seeming end of a war between machines and mankind takes place in an alley and a warehouse. Everyone being concerned that the peace might be jepardized by these small scale events seemed a little off in the global scale of things.

    Finally, if the robots can simply shut off the "human" robots with a switch, what is this all about anyway? Why the peace parade? Why let these soldiers run around thinking they're humans in the first place? This, in the end, made no sense to me. It seems you've written a fairly clever twist without considering the overall ramifications of the twist in a realistic scenario.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #24
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    444
    Default
    It's a movie. Will you hurry up and write a dystopian robot adventure... Oh, yeah... money. This isn't that ubshootable. It could be done with taste and on a budget. Not for free but with high cinematic effect. You aren't over the top here. The right director could knock this out of the park. There are some here that could.

    SPOILERS

    Fun twist and it's even better if you know a little about Horse Lover Fat, which I do. Thoroughly enjoyed the read and the extra twist.
    I like that you kinda give away Reb on purpose to set us up for the bigger wow.

    Lets not forget how insanely clean and fast your reads are and continue to be. You paint a clear picture quickly and efficiently. It's a quickie, but well worth the read.
    He shoots, he scores.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #25
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    @KhamIsk - Glad you liked it and 'got' it.

    SPOILER

    @Taylormade - You just can't fool some people. They really weren't 'turning them off' they were just revealing their true nature.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #26
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    @Taylormade - You just can't fool some people. They really weren't 'turning them off' they were just revealing their true nature.

    Okay, and it's no big deal as most people commenting on the script liked it - I did, too.
    Still, turning them off or revealing their true nature, what was the purpose of creating robots to fight robots and make the robots beleive they were humans? Clarity, clarity, I'm just seaching for clarity!
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #27
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by taylormade View Post
    @Taylormade - You just can't fool some people. They really weren't 'turning them off' they were just revealing their true nature.

    Okay, and it's no big deal as most people commenting on the script liked it - I did, too. <-WOW?
    Still, turning them off or revealing their true nature, what was the purpose of creating robots to fight robots and make the robots beleive they were humans? Clarity, clarity, I'm just seaching for clarity!
    Oh, and this scene would be playing out all over the world. For being sharp enough to figure it all out you missed the obvious clues. The soldiers said they were running out of troops and they heard rumors that they were going to build robots to fight the robots. Now do you think humans that have been fighting robots would volunteer to fight along side robots against robots? So they did what they could and made them look like people. After enough of this all the 'real' humans died and it was just robots against robots, but one side doesn't realize they are robots.

    Sometimes you just have to explain everything to some people.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #28
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    Great Scott! I just scratched my arm and discovered a steel substructure! Gasp! I'm a..... Now it all makes sense.

    Okay, I'll reluctantly go along with the enemy of my enemy is my friend senario. Now that I think of it, it sounds like something the government would come up with.

    "Hey, Jerry, we're running out of soldiers to fight those nasty robots that threaten to take over the world!"
    "Jeeze, that's bad news. What'll we do?"
    "Let's build some robots to fight the robots!"
    "But aren't robots bad? Should we really build some more? Isn't that counterproductive?"
    "We'll make them look and think like real people!"
    "Cool! But won't the other robots know?"
    "Yeah, in fact when we're all dead they'll be able to reveal their true nature and provide a killer plot for this guy Chris Keaton."
    "But if the robots can reveal the true nature of our robots, why won't they just do it now, before we're all gone? Why would they let our robots fight them?"
    "Jesus Christ, Eddie, quit asking all these stupid questions! Get a life!"
    "Okay, sorry, but, hey, who's going to pay for all this? Robots are expensive.""
    "Don't worry, we'll just raise taxes again."
    "Cool!"

    I really did like your script a lot. Very visual; it would be terrific up on the screen.
    Last edited by taylormade; 05-28-2011 at 08:51 AM.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #29
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    461
    Default
    Interesting take. Kinda has an Anamatrix, Terminator Salvation (maybe some Screamers) theme going. First twist I saw once Reb was introduced, it's always the character that disagree the most. The double twist I didn't see coming so that's good. Overall good job.


    Saw one missing word in the dialogue.


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #30
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    I'm thinking of making the final reveal maybe a little clearer. The robot at the end says something like 'we made this to help you' or something of the sort as it finishes the remote. So it appears that they didn't have this technology all along?
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •