Thread: Akisu

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    #11
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    The visual at the beginning is fun. The tattoo could come with an explanation perhaps (would add to it I think --just a though) It's an interesting tale - a female warrior talking to her male teacher (who turns out to be her father) about honor. I think their dialog was a bit too general. I think it could be better if you capitalized on something concrete - why the father decided to do away with her now, why today... she must have done something to break that last straw...
    But that is my only gripe.

    It's well written and I breezed through it.


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    #12
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Nice. Clean visuals. Clear theme. Not the most original, but I wouldn't change the channel.

    SPOILERS

    It reads like a short story not a script. Lots of extra flowery descriptions. I think if you trim things like - the look of furniture and go for a more generic feel in your action, two things will happen. 1 - It will read faster and more clear. 2 - With less extra stuff, your story, which is badass, will get an even brighter spotlight. It will be more powerful the less stuff there is in the way of it.
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    #13
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - MOVE to, takes me right out of the story. You need to be sucking us in and not reminding us we are reading a screenplay.
    - Silken Embrace, might want to tighten on the prose to make it a faster read.
    - Your not You're.
    - As the deadly throwing knife embeds... that is just too slow a description for a fast action. Do we need to know what type of knife it is or is it only important that a knife just missed her?
    - So you really intend for her to be doing all this naked? Or did you just forget to mention she slips something on?
    Ok, enough of the nitpicky stuff.

    I think this was a good one room betrayal piece. Excellent job. This could certainly be shot by some Hollywood up and comer.
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    #14
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Naked as the day she was born.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #15
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    A nice clean story. I had some issues with the dialogue insofar as much of the story was revealed through their words and at times the words coming from the protagonist could have just as easily been coming from the antagonist, what I mean is they both spoke the same. And to nitpick, "avarice" is just not commonly used in spoken English.

    I liked the story of the father coming to deal with his errant daughter. I would have liked to see her change a little more so I could empathise with her character more. In the end she didnt seem very remorseful for her bad ways and ... she's dead.

    Good entry.
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