Thread: Gaijin

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    Gaijin
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    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    'GAIJIN'

    Logline: After a natural disaster causes a population bomb of Japanese immigrants to settle in the western United States, a Gaijin (outsider) Federal Agent must track down a kidnapped girl in seedy New Toyko where the way of the sword rules the streets.


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    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Wow, talk about a timely entry.


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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Epic is the word. Sounds huge.
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    I like "Bomb over Tripoli" too ... has something Metropolis-like...

    Anyway, look forward to see the project...
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    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    mobie. Very superficial comments at the moment to avoid spoilers, but I really liked this world you created and how it came to be (using current events). Ill give some more in depth thoughts on a few things I would like to in a few days.
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    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Interesting concept with a believable future world. A few things didn't hang together for me. The opening scene on the train seems to go on forever. It sets up Arkis' prowess, but it needs to be tighter. As written, the flashbacks work, but I think they would be confusing if shot this way. How do we know it's earlier in the morning?

    SPOILER!


    I didn't get how the old woman, who seems to have no connection to Arkis on the train, suddenly becomes his informant as he goes after Dun Jai. And the revelation that the Orphan Girl involved in Arkis' human trafficing case is really Dun Jai's daughter doesn't pay off with a "gotcha" moment. Instead, it seems contrived. There is no possible connection before this moment. Also, the blue injection is supposed to save Arkis if he stays too long on his assignment - why does it kill Dun Jai?

    Lots of good action. A creative approach to the future, if a little derivitave of Blade Runner, but the story seemed convoluted and didn't tie together.
    Last edited by taylormade; 05-26-2011 at 07:48 AM.
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    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    It's very atmospheric. And ambitious I think. The dialog is very good and all the visuals are well conceived, I think.
    I couldn't understand some of it though - the importance of a girl, why Dun Jai should oppose treatment (looks like it's for his own good). The punks, their description, explanation of what they are was very nice touch, original and made for an interesting read. Overall, I liked it a lot. Some clarity and I think it would be exceptional. Or maybe others understood and it's just me? See if others have the same complaint. Nothing that can't be rewritten in one sitting though, the main thing that the premise and the way you told it is really compelling.


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - Have you been reading Rod's book on how not to write a screenplay. What is with these massive action blocks. Three or four lines at most. If it's longer trim and compress.
    - Arkis? is this a guy, gal, old, young. The name gives me no description.
    - That first bloated action block can certainly be trimmed and could be two blocks. White space will get you read.
    - Why does every Samurai story have to involve Asians?
    - You describe the punks entrance in great detail, but then you say 'the punk leader bothers the old woman..' how are they bothering her? Show us, let us worry.
    - Why throw in that it's Miso soup? Does it matter?
    - You have to walk a careful balance. Your action scene gets bloated with heavy description and it ssllooowwwsss down the read when you want to ramp it up. Try smaller bullets with more tight descriptions. Remember they have a fight coordinator for a reason, so describe just the important events.
    - Which part? Great line.

    You kinda rushed that ending, but I liked it. Another dystopian future piece. I wonder why most of us went with the futuristic pieces. Good job, just work on this hiccups above.
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