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    #81
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I'd love to read some, I hope you enter the Samurai ScriptFest. (subtle plug)
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #82
    Senior Member Darkline's Avatar
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    Hey Zaza,

    I thought this was a noble effort. 2 characters, 1 room. Hard to pull off. I certainly think this is the best short I've seen from you yet, and you managed to get some good performances especially from the old lady. It was shot simply so the focus was on the performances and thats a brave move. It can fall apart if the actors don't deliver. For the most part here they did.

    I just felt (don't beat me up charli!), that the script was a little clunky in parts and too direct. Although in fairness, these scenes are some of the hardest to write. 2 people talking to each other in a short can often result in them saying things they both already know just for the audiences sake of backstory; and it can come across un-natural. To me that happened here, there were too many lines of exposition with on-the-nose dialogue which made the characters seem forced.

    However the cookies were a good touch to focus the telling; and I'd love to have seen them used more to bring the story together visually. Perhaps she is baking the cookies while they are arguing - her back to him, trying to focus on the ingredients. Just something to add a visual contrast to the fight they are having and something to show a world she is trying to escape into. Also it would give the audience something else to focus on that could actually be the focal point of their bond (the baking of the cookies).

    Don't get me wrong, the script had good moments too; just that an 8 min scene of 2 people across a table is a hard thing to shoot as the eye can have a tendency to wander. It does leave the script more exposed because of that. Which means it needs to be exceptional to stand up to that scrutiny.

    This is very tough to pull off and I like that you focussed on the actors. This was all about performance. That's certainly something I need to pay more attention to myself.


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    #83
    Senior Member ZazaCast's Avatar
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    Thanks Darkline...and all good points...I agree (for the most part), but any failings are totally on me & my actors. Charli did a great job with the script.
    I had a bunch of cinematic motion planned for this one, but because of the actress's health problems, she wasn't able to move easily (I didn't know until the shoot), so I had to come up with a plan quick as I only had the location for 4.5 hours. The original concept I had in mind was for this film to be one continuous shot (I've been practicing with the glidecam X10 for months...it's a good workout).

    ...thanks again for taking the time to watch & comment, this is the stuff that helps make me a better 'filmmaker'.


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    #84
    Senior Member Darkline's Avatar
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    ahhh. The ideal film and the reality of what happens when you turn up to shoot are very different things :-) For 4.5 hours you had little choice but to get your footage and get out! I do think this is your best work regardless of the limitations you had.


    look forward to your next one!


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    #85
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    @ Dark - no worries, always tell me what you think honestly of the story or script.

    @ Chris - I don't think I have any of my three scripts on hand. I'll have to look and see if I transferred the files to freebase email. My laptop fried with all my files on drive. I wasn't going to rewrite any of those script though, except maybe the last one. I don't know if I'll do the Samurai contest. It would have to be modern day but not sure I have a grasp of the concept.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
    Portfolio of an Entertainment Blogger


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