JENNY - by Hawk Teflon

[Chris Messineo]

Really fun BTS. Congratulations to you and your wife on the baby!

[Noel Evans]

I was aware of the BG on this one. Congrats again BTW. I think you played a strength card here - not something you are personally going through, but you gave yourself a scenario that was relatable. Good choice. It was short and didnt need to be longer.

I thought the opening was a bit expositional. Generally it was all played pretty safe and theres nothing wrong with that.

[Charli]

This is a very short film and it feels longer because it's not getting to the point quick enough. I don't really like the use of a phone call in shorts because it's really no different than if the actor was talking to himself. I do like the reveal though.


*spoilers*


I didn't expect him to be a two-timing son-of-a-biscuit, so that was a nice twist. I still however didn't really feel any genuine interaction between the two physical characters. So the opening was as Noel expressed a tad expositional. I also didn't see how a sudden flashback or an ultrasound image could all of the sudden BAM! just be the catalytic change of heart for this guy. I liked the twist. I just would have liked to have seen "more" of story.

[Chris_Keaton]

I got that he was cheating from the start. What I didn't get is how that tiny bit of snow would be snowing him in.

[Chris Messineo]

If this really was just a two-person cast and crew (you and your wife and she was 8+ months pregnant) , that is seriously impressive.

I thought your shots were really nice, especially the first few shots of you with the lamp in the background. I would probably lose the shot of the wedding ring, as we already got it and that point and you simply don't need it.

As other have mentioned, it's tough to do a dramatic phone call, but the reveal afterwards was excellent - I definitely did not see that coming. I also thought there was something really honest in your ending. It was hopeful and I liked that.

Well done.

[Hawk Teflon]

Thank you for the kind words and critiques.

@Noel & Charli ... I'm not familiar with "expositional" (dictionary.com did me NO good!)

@Chris K - yeah, here in OKC even a forecast of snow can shut this place down. When it actually falls, it's all over!

@Chris M - Thanks! Yeah, it was just us two. Looking through it again, I agree on the wedding ring shot. To be honest, that's where I originally ended it. Just that. As you can see, though, I added a second act.

[Chris Messineo]

@Chris M - Thanks! Yeah, it was just us two. Looking through it again, I agree on the wedding ring shot. To be honest, that's where I originally ended it. Just that. As you can see, though, I added a second act.

I'm so glad you added that second act. It takes the whole story to another level and gives the character much more depth and a chance at redemption.

[Hitaish]

I liked the warm feel of the whole film. I even checked the travel website online to see if you went all the way with setting up an Easter egg

Also I appreciated the ambiguity in the final choice that he was going to make...

[Hawk Teflon]

Ha, no I didn't actually build a website in the sense that most people do. I built it in After Effects and animated it "loading" bit by bit.

[lyonfilms]

Nice work. Agree with the comments on the cell phone conversation as not the best bit. The natural light on your face on the call was very pretty and a nice look. The shot was a bit soft though. Was that conversation all looped?