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    #31
    Senior Member Jaime V's Avatar
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    Hey I figured out how to put multiple quotes from different people in one post

    Quote Originally Posted by Noel Evans View Post
    Well done Jaime. A nice little set up of dastardly deceit, in more ways than one.
    Thank you for watching Noel.

    Quote Originally Posted by nouou View Post
    I didn't become interested at all until the moment when the news came on and you see the house they were at last night. That's when I was completely drawn in and wanted to see what happened next. The actor playing the husband seemed to miss the pulse of the scene in some moments. One bit that bothered me was when blondie holstered her gun when the other chick (didn't catch her name) was still holding a loaded one. That was a good twist at the end with blondie being a bad guy. Overall I thought it was interesting. Good work.
    Thanks for your critiques nounou. I agree the pacing in the beginning could have been better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkline View Post
    This was fun. Full of twists for 6 minutes and nicely shot too! The opening title was great and the first twist caught me off guard. I got lulled into thinking she was going to take action over a betraying husband, so I liked that reversal. Because of that I saw the second twist coming, but it didn't make this any less fun to watch.

    I wasn't convinced by the acting I have to be honest, but that's really my only gripe. good work.
    Yeah I was hoping to 'trick' the audience a bit with that. And I wanted to do more with the reveal of the partner being in on it, but time was not on my side. Thanks for watching and critiquing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    Acting rates very low from all parties. The blonde chick with aviator sunglasses and gun, well, that' always hot (shallow but true). The news exposition was one of the few that actually worked for the film. I already knew the ending, saw it coming. Wish I felt more tension.
    Thank you for watching and offering your critiques Charli. I wish you felt more tension too Yeah I think I could have done better on the pacing of the film to create more tension. I had in my head how I wanted it to go, and the pacing (in my head!) worked. But then I realized there was waaaay too much to put into a 6 minute film and it suffered from having to cut out so much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    Forgot to give you props on music at end. Soft spot for alternative music.
    The music was a last minute effort. I couldn't get a composer and I didn't want to use canned stuff. Glad you liked it, check out their website www.fullproofmusic.com, they're a great band!


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    #32
    Senior Member Jaime V's Avatar
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    I want to thank everyone who's watched and commented so far. I welcome any constructive feedback. This is the fourth short film I've done and while I have gotten better with each one, I still obviously have a lot to learn, so if you have any suggestions to go along with your critiques those are welcome as well


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    #33
    Senior Member Mike Manning's Avatar
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    Hey Jamie,

    I really dug the story behind this short - a woman suspicious of her adulterous husband finding out that he's actually a serial killer. It's a pretty cool idea. The poster is also fantastic (as I've mentioned before)! But there were a number of issues with this one that kept me from really getting into it. As I'm sure many have already mentioned, the acting was pretty subpar from everyone involved. I felt like the husband might as well have had a script in his hands because his reading of the lines sounded just like that - reading. It was also really hard to take the police officer lady seriously. She looked like she was 18 and those big aviators she had on made her ensemble look like a Halloween costume. I thought she was gonna strip down at any second and start pole dancing (or maybe I was just hoping she would )


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    #34
    Senior Member Jaime V's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mike Manning View Post
    I thought she was gonna strip down at any second and start pole dancing (or maybe I was just hoping she would )
    Hi Mike, I decided to keep that pole-dancing scene for the director's cut ;)

    I appreciate the honest feedback. I will work that much harder next time to get the very best possible performance out of my actors. Thank you for taking the time to watch and comment.


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    #35
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    How old was that cop, like 18, she looked way to young. It's hard weave a web in that short a time. You've did it, but it comes on so fast there is no tension, no tension means no thrills. This could work better as a longer piece, give the characters time to breathe, and time for us to care. I liked how you handled the twist, you had me thinking I might've been wrong for a second. Good Job.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #36
    Senior Member Jaime V's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    How old was that cop, like 18, she looked way to young. It's hard weave a web in that short a time. You've did it, but it comes on so fast there is no tension, no tension means no thrills. This could work better as a longer piece, give the characters time to breathe, and time for us to care. I liked how you handled the twist, you had me thinking I might've been wrong for a second. Good Job.
    Hi Chris. Yes, the story was a bit much for 6 minutes. I had a hard time getting everything I wanted into the time limit and I ended up cutting a lot out. I think you're right, it would have worked better as a longer piece, so next time I have to gauge my story length better so I don't run into this problem again. Thanks for the critique.


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    #37
    Senior Member Marlon Ladd's Avatar
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    I enjoyed this film and I thought you had some really good effects. The opening title and the last gunshot, especially. I did like the opening jib shot, but I think you should have held that a little longer, it was so cool. When the car pulls up and stops, I think if you had a screech sound there it would work better.

    Although I liked the film and thought it had lots of potential, it did suffer from a few things. First, the badges. They didn't even almost look real to me. I don't know if that was supposed to represent the future or maybe some cities in the US have actually gone to those type of badges, but I've never seen anything close to that and for me that detracted from the story a bit. The only actor that did an excellent job was the wife. I thought she was very convincing. Honestly, everybody else seemed as if they were reading the lines right from the paper. The husband had no emotion at all. As an actor you have to believe in the lines you're saying as if they're your own, because if you don't, the audience definitely won't. I also liked the first twist and didn't see it coming and the realization of that twist by the wife was cool, but I definitely saw the last twist coming a mile away, but the gunshot effect made it worth it.

    Overall you've got a good product here. I didn't mention your cinematography, but I also thought that was good. I think if you get some top-notch acting on your next film, you'll really be making some things happen. Nice job.


    Watch the film (1/21/13) HERE!


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    #38
    Senior Member Jaime V's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marlon Ladd View Post
    I enjoyed this film and I thought you had some really good effects. The opening title and the last gunshot, especially. I did like the opening jib shot, but I think you should have held that a little longer, it was so cool. When the car pulls up and stops, I think if you had a screech sound there it would work better.
    Thanks for the compliments and suggestions!

    Quote Originally Posted by Marlon Ladd View Post
    First, the badges...I've never seen anything close to that and for me that detracted from the story a bit.
    Yeah my fault. Between the $2 plastic ones, and the freaking $100 real-looking metal ones, this was literally the only close thing I could find in my price range. I wasn't willing to pay $100 for the badges...it was my call.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marlon Ladd View Post
    The only actor that did an excellent job was the wife. I thought she was very convincing. Honestly, everybody else seemed as if they were reading the lines right from the paper. The husband had no emotion at all.
    Thanks for complimenting her. Personally I thought she did a fantastic job The husband...probably my poor directing as well. I actually wanted him to be a bit cold and emotionless since he's supposed to be a sociopathic serial killer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marlon Ladd View Post
    Overall you've got a good product here. I didn't mention your cinematography, but I also thought that was good. I think if you get some top-notch acting on your next film, you'll really be making some things happen. Nice job.
    Thank you very much for taking the time to watch and critique Marlon, I really do appreciate all the constructive feedback.


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    #39
    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    I'm a little late...

    Very good looking and nicely put together short. From the framing of shots, editing, etc...

    The wife was pretty convincing in her role. I liked her.
    The sound/music seemed to overpower a line or two at the end.

    Good stuff all around though. I could see what was going to occur but just shortly before it happened so that's good. Some interesting shots as well.

    Congrats on a good entry.

    Cheers,

    MAH


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    #40
    Senior Member dwyz's Avatar
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    Hey I really enjoyed this and thought it had that 'x factor' thing going on, that intangible but noticeable fun thing that can happen in well directed material. So much so that I hardly noticed the cinematography and editing, unfortunately the acting was very wooden, hot blonde cop always helps though, Great intro and I LOVED the soundtrack, well done, most entertaining entry ive watched so far :-)


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