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    #21
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KhamIsk View Post
    This reminds me of Agatha's Cristie's stories - they speak royal English and all, plus it's structured just like one of those detective stories - except the evil has not been punished just yet.

    The build up is very good leading to a creepy ending.
    Nice flow. Very well structured and an easy read.

    Congrats on a great story.
    i can totally see where you get agatha christie... thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    Day or night always. Page continues are out of vogue these days.
    Jane in all caps once only, then upper lower. Was Sarah the MacGuffin?
    Overall I liked the story but feel like we deserved a better end. Tell us visually not audibly.
    I wanted to see some kind of pendant or keepsake Jane carried with her tie it all together... or something.
    I did like it though. I like how he is being playful at the end, it's creepy and creepy is good! Nice work.
    creepy is definitely good. ;)

    i know i dropped the ball on the formatting in parts. and, as to the ending, i agree, i needed more visuals here. i am normally a more visual writer (i would love to hear what you have to say about my other scripts), but i rushed and had to focus mostly on the plot... i almost regret entering at all since i didn't have time to do it right... but it's really a learning experience for me.

    what i wanted was for it to look like jane was a strange intruder into this couple's house and they didn't know who she was, but they didn't exactly know how to get rid of her... and then, in the end, you realize that she isn't the intruder, but they are... and vera is jane's imposter... it wasn't an easy task to make the dialogue work so that it could have two meanings... for example, when vera seems frightened and wants to get rid of jane, i wanted it to look like she was frightened of this weird woman who just barges in and acts like she owns the place, when really she is frightened that they might get caught... no one on here has commented on that aspect of it, so i'm not sure i successfully pulled it off... was that clear to you? it's hard to know what comes across sometimes.

    yeah... sarah was the macguffin.

    thanks for the review.

    Quote Originally Posted by mary.susanna View Post
    Ok, so I really liked this one too. I was a little confused in the beginning with Jane and Vera, but I realized toward the end that you wanted us to be...so, very well done. I also really liked how the dialog was kinda innuendo-esque...if that makes sense. Ok, it doesn't, but oh well. I liked it. Kudos.
    i'm glad you liked it... thanks, mary
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    #22
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

    Pg 1
    - Like the title
    - Where's my fade in, uggelguggel fee fi fo fum.
    - Scene headings should look like thus 'INT. TAXI - DAY'
    - Is 'blond' important? if not drop it.
    - Try not to leave orphans. This is a good life lesson as well as good screenplay formating. Those one word action line look uncool. You're a writer rewrite it to lose those. If you can't it ain't the end of the world.
    - Scene headings should be relatively generic 'EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - GATE - DAY or just EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - DAY'
    - Lose the CONTINUEDS, they are out of date like bell bottoms. I apologize for my attempt at humor.
    Pg 2
    - Write in active style. So 'Jane is walking' becomes 'Jane walks'.
    - I might break the 'manor' action block up. The first sign that you are either being long winded or have incorrectly squished an action block together is when yourt action block goes over 3-4 lines.
    Pg 3
    - With out that DAY - NIGHT hint in the scene heading it's hard to visualize the lighting.
    Pg 7
    - I'm guessing she's a ghost, but the dialog of the other folks seems out of place if that's the case. Mainly because they talk occasionally as if she's person right there and not an entity.
    Pg 9
    - Ok, my guess was wrong.
    - For a split second I thought she had multiple-personalities.

    Hah, what a twist! What time period was this supposed to be set in. I originally thought it was a ghost, because Jane's dialog was turn of the century, but the crooks sounded modern. Like the twist, but not sure why they just didn't brain her as soon as she walked in. Good Job!
    why didn't they just brain her? that's a fair question actually... haha... i was going to have them poison her, hence the tea... and then midnight struck and i had to cut it short... and, i think, upon a rewrite, i could come up with a good reason...in fact, i just did... they had to be sure she hadn't talked to anyone else in the town first... they had to cover all their bases... ;)

    blonde was important only in that hitchcock had a fondness for them in his films... said they came across better in black and white... and i was trying to make it as hitchcockian as possible ;)

    it was supposed to be the 40's or 50's... in my head, it was all black and white.

    i had other people think ghost too. that would have been cool, but too much like 'the others'.

    the continued's were automatically added by celtx. stupid script program...

    yay! no suicidal thoughts. thanks for the feedback
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    #23
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Very Hitchcockie!
    that's what she said ;p
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    #24
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejay View Post
    that's what she said ;p
    Get a BROOM you two.

    I love mcmuffins. Yeah I do in depth reviews for return reads and crits. But you have to be over brutal. Damn I want a mcmuffin now... Fucq it's after 10:30!!!!! NO!!!!!
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    #25
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    how did i miss this? i'm ok with brutal... have at it... all three of my previous scripts are listed below... if you do review any of them, let me know... did you ever get your mcmuffin? ;)
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    #26
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    This story was a fast and easy read, and I never felt lost, and not once had re-read a single line. Very nice.

    I pretty much got right away that Vera had something to hide, and certainly her dialogue revealed that as she and John followed Jane around. I like how the invisible Sarah was always present without actually being there (I assume the dark-haired girl in one of the paintings was Sarah?) MacGuffin!

    Because of the language used, I got a period-piece feel from this, like it could be in the 40s. There isn't any time ref, so I'm guessing.

    Like how Mrs. Baxter becomes a loose end to the plan. Leaves open what will happen next. I get by her offering pumpkin bread, Vera has been pretending to be Jane for quite some time? She's elderly and would certainly have remembered the real Jane once confronted with her. This also opens up a potential hole in that she would also know Sarah, and would realize at some point she is missing. Nosy old neighbors have nothing better to do!

    I'm going to assume both Sarah and Hattie are buried in the back 40.

    No need to establish motive. A railroad tycoon's home and money is more than enough.

    One hole ... if Jane was missing for so long, how did Vera know they looked nearly twins? A lot can change over the years.

    Another hole - how did Jane know dad was in the urn? Was it obvious even from the foyer looking into the living room (you don't establish these locations, but a manor would have them).


    As a working document ...

    Easy as pie to read, cast and nail down locations. The dialogue was a little stilted even for what it was meant to convey (period, or proper) and would likely get a rewrite before filming.

    If I were filming it, I'd chop most of the taxi scene, and cut to when they arrive at the gate. A few choice words and some good acting (befuddlement as she exits the taxi) could easily set this up without the expository taxi exchange. Save that time for more time in the house, or even a garden scene to break up the scene elements.

    Very filmable. I can see some great long shots in hallways as Jane tours the house. Some great close up as she looks at photos - or missing photos. Some great, shifty eye exchanges between John and Vera.

    Nicely done. A line-by-line review on the nuts and bolts avail if you like.

    a
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 03-18-2010 at 10:27 PM.


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    #27
    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Liked it - the only thing that leapt out at me was the total lack of contractions in the dialogue (IE, "Can't" vs. "Can not"). You clarified above that this was the 40's, but in films of that period, the dialogue is usually a little looser. Still, that (to me anyway) seems like a top challenge of screenwriting - giving dialogue a "feel", a sense of personality, that translates in print.

    I just read "As I Lay Dying" (Faulkner) and was struck by the perfection of his dialogue. Really beautiful example.


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    #28
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Jamie glad to see you back in the mix.

    Nice script , easy to read. The tech issues have been covered.

    The story definitely had a 40's and Hitchcock feel to it. The dialogue was a tiny bit stiff and had a few typos...I know you said it was hurried, so its nothing a minor rewrite couldn't fix and I'm sure it would be great. I've liked your dialogue in your previous scripts.

    Really good suspense built up. You kept my interest as to what was going to happen and what was happening.

    I like the ending...I'm a fan of endings that leave it up to the audience's interpretation.

    One of the best points I've heard raised (though I admit it didn't occur to me at the time) was how would they know that Vera so closely resembled Jane after she had been gone for so long?

    Solid story overall. Good job!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #29
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    This story was a fast and easy read, and I never felt lost, and not once had re-read a single line. Very nice.
    glad to hear that.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    I pretty much got right away that Vera had something to hide, and certainly her dialogue revealed that as she and John followed Jane around. I like how the invisible Sarah was always present without actually being there (I assume the dark-haired girl in one of the paintings was Sarah?) MacGuffin!
    sarah was indeed the macguffin... and the girl in the painting...

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    Because of the language used, I got a period-piece feel from this, like it could be in the 40s. There isn't any time ref, so I'm guessing.
    40's was what i was going for so good call on that... but i know i shoud have been more clear... there is a lot i left out in my rush... including time of day even... grr... i almost regret entering at all knowing the few hours i had before the deadline were not enough to write it as good as it could have been... but it's a good experience and i am interested to hear what people think of the plot, if nothing else...

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    Like how Mrs. Baxter becomes a loose end to the plan. Leaves open what will happen next. I get by her offering pumpkin bread, Vera has been pretending to be Jane for quite some time? She's elderly and would certainly have remembered the real Jane once confronted with her. This also opens up a potential hole in that she would also know Sarah, and would realize at some point she is missing. Nosy old neighbors have nothing better to do!
    true... i think a line about sarah being out of town or moving away or something would have remedied that... good point.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    I'm going to assume both Sarah and Hattie are buried in the back 40.

    No need to establish motive. A railroad tycoon's home and money is more than enough.
    correct on both counts

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    One hole ... if Jane was missing for so long, how did Vera know they looked nearly twins? A lot can change over the years.

    Another hole - how did Jane know dad was in the urn? Was it obvious even from the foyer looking into the living room (you don't establish these locations, but a manor would have them).
    see... this is why it's a good thing i entered despite it not being perfect... these are valid issues...

    i think the first hole could possibly be addressed by the couple seeing jane's picture in a newspaper article about how she is still missing after running away five or six years ago... upon realizing vera's resemblance to jane, they concoct their murderous scheme... five or six years would be long enough for most people to either forget her exact appearance or to explain any changes as aging... but it would also be not so long that she would have changed so much that there wouldn't still be a resemblance... does that make sense?

    as to the urn... i guess i was thinking she was just assuming it was him... and then the engraved plaque confirmed it... but i could make that more clear...

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    As a working document ...

    Easy as pie to read, cast and nail down locations. The dialogue was a little stilted even for what it was meant to convey (period, or proper) and would likely get a rewrite before filming.

    If I were filming it, I'd chop most of the taxi scene, and cut to when they arrive at the gate. A few choice words and some good acting (befuddlement as she exits the taxi) could easily set this up without the expository taxi exchange. Save that time for more time in the house, or even a garden scene to break up the scene elements.
    i completely agree. in past scripts, my dialogue seemed to be a strong point, but, this time, i rushed and focused solely on the plot... midnight struck before i knew it and, in a rewrite, the taxi scene could be shortened significantly...

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    Very filmable. I can see some great long shots in hallways as Jane tours the house. Some great close up as she looks at photos - or missing photos. Some great, shifty eye exchanges between John and Vera.

    Nicely done. A line-by-line review on the nuts and bolts avail if you like.

    a
    thanks! your feedback is always appreciated and a line-by-line is always welcome.

    i feel like there is so much i could do with this script... and i am glad to see that someone else saw its potential despite it not being as well-written as i would have preferred.

    looking forward to seeing another script from you soon!

    jamie
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    #30
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Carter View Post
    Liked it - the only thing that leapt out at me was the total lack of contractions in the dialogue (IE, "Can't" vs. "Can not"). You clarified above that this was the 40's, but in films of that period, the dialogue is usually a little looser. Still, that (to me anyway) seems like a top challenge of screenwriting - giving dialogue a "feel", a sense of personality, that translates in print.

    I just read "As I Lay Dying" (Faulkner) and was struck by the perfection of his dialogue. Really beautiful example.
    completely agree on the dialogue... i am disappointed because i know it could have been better. still... if that's all that leapt out at you, i hope that's a good thing. ??
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