Thread: The Return

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    The Return
    #1
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Sometimes, when you leave, you can never go back...
    Script Fest IV: Go West
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    #2
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    just barely made it... phew... not sure about this one... but i am glad to be back.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
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    #3
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Great! Top of my read list!

    a


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    #4
    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    Really like the poster on this one, very reminiscent of that old optical illusion with the vase and faces.

    Looking forward to the read.


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    #5
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Good luck, Jamie. Looking forward to the read.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #6
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    definitely regretting rushing this time... there are is some possible confusion at one point... i'll admit it...not my best work here...

    still... feedback is a good thing and i'm just happy to be here.

    thanks for the compliments on the poster.

    alex, can't wait to hear what you think... but i am sorry that you weren't able to enter.
    Last edited by jamiejay; 03-14-2010 at 07:15 PM.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




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    #7
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    Can't wait to read your script - I think my script has some possibly confusing points too.


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    #8
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Intriguing!!!
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #9
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Hi Jamie. You weren't alone. I rushed my entry too.

    Pg. 1 - Intro DRIVER in all caps if he has dialog.

    You don't need to CAP character names after they are inrto'd.

    Pg. 8 "This is a really lousy plan so far, John." - this line cracked me up. I don't know if it was meant to be funny but just the way you delivered it made me laugh.

    The story had me intrigued. I was very curious to know what the heck was going on. You built up some good suspense there. I think if you had more time to polish you would have better explained the twist. I would have like to have known more about Jane and Sarah. Like why did they want Jane gone.

    Your dialog is a bit stiff. If you read it out loud, you'll begin to catch the words and phrases that seem a bit unnatural.

    And screenwriting is very visual. So you need to work on character descriptions. Ages, physical characteristics maybe some quirks that set one character apart from another.

    Cool vibe you created with this story. I look forward to reading more of your work.




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    #10
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    thanks for the feedback... this is my fourth script... but time was definitely a big obstacle here... i think i should have made it more clear that it was during the 1940's... that is why the dialogue is how it is... thanks again.

    p.s.- if you are really interested in reading my other scripts, you can click on them below ;)
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




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