Thread: The Return

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    #31
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    Jamie glad to see you back in the mix.

    Nice script , easy to read. The tech issues have been covered.

    The story definitely had a 40's and Hitchcock feel to it. The dialogue was a tiny bit stiff and had a few typos...I know you said it was hurried, so its nothing a minor rewrite couldn't fix and I'm sure it would be great. I've liked your dialogue in your previous scripts.

    Really good suspense built up. You kept my interest as to what was going to happen and what was happening.

    I like the ending...I'm a fan of endings that leave it up to the audience's interpretation.

    One of the best points I've heard raised (though I admit it didn't occur to me at the time) was how would they know that Vera so closely resembled Jane after she had been gone for so long?

    Solid story overall. Good job!
    hey conlan! glad to see a friendly avatar ;)

    i sincerely wish you had entered this time... your scripts are always well-written and entertaining...

    what do you think about my response to alex? would that have made it better do you think?

    i liked my dialogue better in previous scripts too... thanks for saying that

    i'm happy you liked it... hope to see you next time!

    jamie
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
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    Script Fest II: Entitled




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    #32
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Hey Jamie...thanks for the kind words.

    I was bummed that I didn't get a script in, I had a few ideas, but nothing that seemed strong enough to run with. If you get the chance to read and give me feedback on my Betrayal script (Buck's Best Friend) I'd appreciate it.

    I think Alex made a lot of good points(as usual) and I think your ideas are solid.

    As far as the couple seeing Jane in a newspaper article, I think that is convincing enough, but it might be tricky to fit into the script.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #33
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    notes as i go...

    Blonde woman, huge house.. already feels like Hitchcock..

    is Jane delusional? they don't seem to know who she is..

    actually John seems to know something about what's going on.

    ok, they seem to know who her father is, because Vera mentions that his death was a suicide.

    now John has acknowledged Sarah, kind of anyway. so who are they? why don't they know Jane?

    so is John just humoring her about Sarah retrurning?

    yes, according to Vera in the kitchen.. this is getting very interesting, mysterious..

    the neighbor knows who Jane is!

    things are falling apart.. John says the neighbor often confuses Jane and Sarah?

    ok ok ok i get it. Vera has become Jane. she and John are the ultimate squatters, claiming the huge house for themselves because she looks so much like Jane.

    too bad you ended it on the reveal, i'd love to see how this "situation" plays out. looks like they have a couple more loose ends to tie up if they want to keep living in the big house!

    good job, great Hithcock feel.


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    #34
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    thanks, preston. it was good to see your read-as-you-go reaction because i could tell that it did come across as intended... jane looked like this crazy, delusional intruder... that's what i was hoping for... and you understood the ending perfectly too... glad you liked it.
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    Script Fest II: Entitled




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