Thread: The Melt

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    #21
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed this script. Top notch writing, loved the descriptions and the dialogue. one of my favorites.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #22
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    Make sure to watch commas and other punctuation. For example, on page one, it reads "A bead of water races from the block the rope CREAKS." I read this line a few times, trying to understand it. I think you want a comma after 'block' or you want to end the sentence there and make the next part its own line so we know on the first read what it is showing us. You don't want to take the reader out of the story a single time. The more it happens, the more likely the reader will grow annoyed and not want to finish the script.

    The same thing with "In all wrong places friend." There should be a comma after places so there's a brief pause, just like when we would speak the line. Without the pause, it can read wrong the first time through and cause the reader to backtrack.

    Page 2 - Whose money

    Where you staying? It sounds a little awkward without 'are'. Clara sounds a little more sophisticated than that.

    Page 3 - RING, finally

    Using (O.S.) alone for phone voices can be misleading. The reader can be confused as to whether the person is present in the scene or on the phone. To make sure the reader is not confused, it should be crystal clear that this is a phone voice. While everyone has their own method, the one I feel good about is using the (O.S.) but then using (filtered) underneath. That's what the Nicholl Fellowship sample formatting shows to do. That's good enough for me.

    Don't cap characters in pictures. Only cap them the first time we meet them in real life. When a producer does a character search, that can be misleading and throw him off, especially if the characters are never actually present in the film. Either way, you're just describing an object, so the names wouldn't be capped.

    Page 4 - Make sure all of your mini slugs are double-spaced. LATER is triple-spaced. While little things like this won't necessarily break you, there's no reason why we shouldn't try to be as perfect as possible to show we care about our work's quality.

    his oxbloods

    Page 5 - He/she, him/her. Felix speaks, then 'she' rolls her eyes. The she is not Felix, but since this action follows his speaking, we would be inclined to believe Felix is the she. Of course that's silly, but for that brief moment, the mind interprets it that way. In some cases, it would be difficult to know whether it's an error or not, as in two of the same gender being present, or the use of odd names where we might not know by looking at the name what gender it is until we get to know the character better. It's better to just be careful, making all of the pronouns fit the last person who spoke, or had an action.

    It's good to see you again, Clara. (always use a comma before a spoken name so the sentence doesn't run all together).

    A bead of water falls

    Page 6 - Thousands of tickets litter the floor. Hundreds of shoes walk past a still Felix. I made these two seperate lines because the actions aren't directly related to each other. It's like action lines for characters. You wouldn't say that he does this and she does that in the same line. That wouldn't be proper writing. You would give each his own line. If both actions are for one character, then you can use an 'and'. It just helps the overall clarity.

    Page 7 - The sun peaks... Do you mean 'peeks' as in to look? As it is, that means the sun has reached the highest point for the day that it can reach, which would be around noon, I believe.

    Page 8 - If you choose to cap sounds, be consistent. You cap SLAMS, but not grunts and heavy breathing. The rule of thumb is to not cap sounds made by the human mouth, but when we don't see the people making the sounds, then it's perfectly fine to cap them, and even very helpful.

    Page 9 - lie on the bible.

    Very good job with the writing. Descriptions, and overall, action lines, were well done. Flashbacks are tricky to pull off in a short script. I had to pay extra attention to those to have them make sense in something so short, and in some cases, I would say not to use them in a very short script, but I think you have to in a story like this. Very nice job!



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    #23
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    @ conlanforever >> Thanks for the compliments and the read, I put a lot into it. Glad you saw that.

    @ vickyn >> I disagree with your opinions in this review, which are MANY! lol, but thanks for the read, vicky. =)
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 04-01-2010 at 10:00 AM.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #24
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    @ conlanforever >> Thanks for the compliments and the read, I put a lot into it. Glad you saw that.

    @ vickyn >> I disagree with your opinions in this review, which are MANY! lol, but thanks for the read, vicky. =)
    Now that's how you respond to feedback.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #25
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    flower-5.jpg


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    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
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