Thread: The Melt

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    #11
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    you can tell you are a writer... very descriptive. i really enjoyed it. i loved the supernatural element of the black eyes, actually... and i thought the "i need a new sole" line was clever without being obnoxious... you put a lot of work into this... great job ;)
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    #12
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    also... are you a neil gaiman fan? have you read neverwhere?
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    #13
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Well now that was interesting.

    Lot of flashing back and forth that required a slow - but not tedious - read. The good part is that it was all very visual. Love the blocks of ice thunking down the chute. Pretty funny actually - going to a vending machine to get ice so you can inflict a slow death on someone. Love it!

    Threw me with Harry and Henry. These names are way too close.

    Page 6/7 The Mutt and Jeff exchange seems out of character with the rest of the script and beautifully measured dialogue.


    This is great ...

    Henry examines it with an elevator gaze.


    A little lost on how the shoes got from the dead to Harry, since in the opening it seems Felix delivered his own shoes? I know I missed something really important here. Darn it.

    One of the few scripts I've read that can get away with flowery writing - it absolutely sets the tone for the story. It's really great when the action text and the dialogue are written in the same 'language'. Nice.


    As a working document ...

    This would need some serious attention to detail on set design. Harry's shop, as it bookends the story, would be crucial to do it as written. Any skimping would rob the film of its full potential.

    A busy horse track can be tough, as well as a metro train and a restaurant - all locations that can be difficult to nail down - but worth every headache if you can pull it off on a short film's shoestring budget.

    No doubt this would be stunning on film.



    I believe your MacGuffin was the photo of the girl on the horse.

    alex
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 03-19-2010 at 02:18 AM.


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    #14
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    @ jamiejay >> Nope never read it. Mirror Mask was really good. I love me some Clive Barker too. "I have many leather-bound books." Ron Burgundy

    @alex >> Thanks! Wingtips were the McMuffin. I chose not to ditch it ala The 39 Steps. The stuff I always see in my head, besides the dirty pictures, is vast. The one room drama is cool but I am focusing on the story these days not the budget. Attainable, challenging to shoot with high effect is my goal. Hoping to attract that upper echelon director. Don't forget the talent! =) This would take great chracter actors to make it sing. But if all stars aligned it could be really cool. I guess the photo, is like the mini McMuffin now that I think about it... lol, good call.

    Thanks for the thorough read!
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    #15
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    cool poster..

    (notes as i read)

    wow, great start. 3 lines in and i'm intrigued.

    so FELIX is the man with the suit and wingtips. does this mean he's no longer hanging, or possibly this scene is in the past? i'll keep reading to find out.

    well we're back to the WAREHOUSE, shoes still on ice. so this is nonlinear, i'm guessing.

    yeah this is all over the place, time-line wise. i'm getting the hang of it, i think.

    lots and lots of shoes in here, huh?

    ok, i think i got it by the end, but it was pretty confusing (to me).

    some grammatical errors throughout that need fixing..

    ok, i think you have a decent story here, just make sure your script is clear enough so that the reader isn't totally lost. i'm sure if i read it again, it would be easier to follow..


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    #16
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    @ preston >Thanks for the read and the review. I would be super appreciative if you pointed out the grammar stuff you saw, I thought I had it pretty well cleaned up...

    Confusion was part of the story as was a hint of mystery. So having questions at the end and throughout was my intention.
    What's pretty cool is people have said stuff like, I'm not sure but I think... And then they/you have, for the most part, been correct with assumptions. Mission Accomplished! Feels good to get it right at least kinda!!
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 03-23-2010 at 05:27 PM.
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    #17
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    Really enjoyed this script. It was a bit confusing in places, but I think if I were watching this instead of reading it, it would probably be fine. As you mentioned above, the confusion adds to the mystery and I like mystery. You had some great visuals and dialogue - good job.


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    #18
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget D. View Post
    Really enjoyed this script. It was a bit confusing in places, but I think if I were watching this instead of reading it, it would probably be fine. As you mentioned above, the confusion adds to the mystery and I like mystery. You had some great visuals and dialogue - good job.
    Thanks for the read. Glad you like it. Writing mystery is tough... too much and it's cliche', too little and it's Lynch. I choose Lynch when in doubt. =)
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
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    #19
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    oh... lynch fo sho ;)
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    #20
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    @ preston >Thanks for the read and the review. I would be super appreciative if you pointed out the grammar stuff you saw, I thought I had it pretty well cleaned up...
    mostly just missing commas, usually in action blocks, that make it tough to read smoothly the first time. i'm probably just being nit-picky..


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