Thread: The Bells

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    The Bells
    #1
    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    I'm in...


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Nice...


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #3
    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Thanks (I'm probably a better photoshopper than script writer...I only gave myself an hour for this one, may still clean it up at some point...)


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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    RING!!!!!! Looks EPIC! =D
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    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Thanks... like I said... wish I had more time for the poster, bells should be more the blue sky color... etc etc... I just hope I remember to upload the dang script!!!


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    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    photoshop is fun... great job with the poster. the bells..."what a tale of terror now their turbulency tells!"... glad you entered.
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    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Thanks - funny, just a couple hours after uploading, my trooper of a G5 finally died. Spending the week moving in to a Mac Pro... I guess 5+ years is a lot to expect from a computer...


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Michael, I just read your script.

    *Spoilers*

    Good characters, well paced. You built the tension up well. I do think your poster spoilt the surprise of the Invasion.

    20-something guy made me laugh. Early 20s, mid 20s, late 20s maybe.

    Top of page 5, you have dialogue by Leah but no name and the action is centred.

    You have the parenthetical's in the names. Normally you put them below. These little niggles don't detract from the story though.

    Everything was well thought, the dialogue was good. But those last two pieces of dialouge damaged the ending for me... There's no chance humanity would give up that quickly, especially a government agent. We're like an infestation, most humans would clutch to our superiority of the Earth and freedom until our last breath!


    Overall, a great little script. A good story that builds to the main invasion. Just that last part. Well done though.


    Marshall Dean

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    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Thanks for the feedback -

    The poster - well, I couldn't help it once I had the picture in my head. And to me, the essence of that is given away in the 1st scene - I liked the juxtaposing of old-school bells with all those lights.

    I suppose I see your point re: the last lines; but this is also the guy who thought to take off their hoods & handcuffs, maybe he's a little more chilled out. Those lines, or the thought behind them, really comes from me imagining "giant spaceships over every city ringing massive iron bells"… I wouldn't think we'd have a chance of fighting 'em off, and… hopefully the reaction of the girl, that it was "beautiful" gave a sense that this wasn't going to be a "bad" thing. Hard to deal with in 10 pages though!

    My main worry - why crash one at the start of the story (answer: because there's no story without it!)

    I was going to spend a day reading all the scripts- my trusty, trooper G5 died this weekend. (They sure love it at the Apple store when you walk in and say "one mac pro, quad core please, that's it") So I have a few days of moving ahead.


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Alright, here's my page by page nitpicky review. Just to remind you, do not take this personally, some people have a hard time with this step. My review is designed to help. My review bears little influence on my scores. I mainly score for story and overall execution.

    Pg 1
    - What? We don't get a 'fade in'. I bet you don't kiss your wife good night.
    - Proper scene heading should look like this: EXT. ANGELES NATIONAL FOREST - DAY.... yes I know nitpicky, but sticking to the standards makes you look more professional.
    - We See, of course we do, it's a movie. Rewrite to remove that and make it all more visual and active. Like 'Light filiters through a forest canopy illuminated a young couple as they take down their campsite.' By all means don't use that, but you get the point.
    - Lose 'IS' from your screenwriting vocabulary. It leads to passive sentences and those kill your pace on top of making your screenplay a slower read.
    - I must harp on WE again. Lose it. Just describe the scene. You are trying to draw us in and get us lost in the story. We's and Camera Directions pull us out of your imaginary world. Remember you must sell these scripts, so make the most compelling story first and then throw in camera stuff later.
    - Dialog should just be their name and their dialog, no need to bold their names or put that colon thing. Again keep with a consistent(ie accepted) style. Producers/Directors are looking for reasons to throw your script away and move on to the next one, so these style faux-pas just scream 'rookie'. Don't give 'em a reason.
    - Most parentheticals (whispering) (here eyes closed) are either unneeded or should be in action blocks.
    Pg 2
    - Ok, the camera angles are killing me here. I know you may be filming this yourself, but at least have mercy on us reader and leave 'em out for your peeps.
    - Oh, there's the 'Fade In'. Nice to see you.
    - See that 'is' struck again. Instead of 'He is staring' should be 'he stares', but really you said that just the line prior, so probably isn't even needed.
    Pg -whatever-
    - Need page numbers.
    - Looks like your action block got centered some how.
    Pg -something-
    - You don't need to tell us it's night if it was in the scene heading.
    - I almost feel like a lot of the middle bit could be compressed. Maybe have them slip past the military, add that little bit of tension.
    - Also the guys talking about where they were going etc. kinda killed the tension. I'm torn between worrying about what will happen versus what is? it's a toss up.
    Pg -something or other'
    - 'Lets us see it. please.'
    - Drop the autocorrect that gave you the little 'nd' on second.

    Interesting story. Could be a bear to try and film. After thinking about it, I would make the couple the center of attention and only bring the g-men in as an obstacle to get around and a threat at the end. Good Job.
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