Thread: The Revolver

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    #31
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    Hope this doesn't post twice - my computer is making me crazy tonight. Anyway, just finished your script - definitely liked the story - heavy script. The father seemed to have too much vo for me - telling too much story (like the phone conversations in my script). I definitely didn't like Chad, which is a good thing. I liked the boy coming out of his emotionless state to kill Chad. I did think that was kind of an odd scene - dad bringing wife and kid to the place where his daughter was murdered. Maybe if the father slowly becomes more eccentric/deranged, I could buy him bringing them to the vacant lot. I also liked the idea that the father decides to protect his son, but it did seem unnecessary. Anyway, very interesting script - good job.


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    #32
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I liked the idea of this story...each member of the family tormented that the person who murdered Kate has gotten away with it. The twist being that young, quiet Jamie is actually tormented the most.

    There were a couple issues I had. One was that 10 years old is a little young to be that accurate with a gun, especially if you've never used one before.

    Also, some of the dialog/VO's felt a bit expositional and forced. I didn't mind the VO, but in some parts I thought it might be better if there was actual dialog.

    The villain in this story, Chad, is deplorable. A rich kid who gets away with murder, okay. But in one action you show that he's unable to look Sally in the eyes and then the next he's making fun of them being a part family and then confessing to everything. I think you need to be more consistant so we get a better idea of who this guy is.

    Good suspense, McGuffin and twist at the end.


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    #33
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    Nice story overall. Even people who haven't lost a child should feel what Ted feels.

    Page 1 - Keep slugs simple while giving us the important info. Adjectives don't need to be in them. Save those for opening description lines. You can just say whose dining area this is if that's important, or whose house it is, then a dash, followed by the dining room.

    While some like to put a lot of objects in caps, I find it is distracting to the reader. I think the practice is more what a director will do for the shooting script, to note the objects he feels are important. What we feel is important as a writer isn't necessarily what the director will feel is important.

    He is seated upright on the dining chair. Again, keep actions simple and make them flow smoothly.

    Use 'seated' instead of sat in these cases.

    Don't cap characters we first meet in a picture. Only cap real people in the scene as we first meet them.

    When cutting dialogue at the bottom of a page, use (MORE) beneath the next line and (CONT'D) next to the name on the next page so it's clear this is the same person continuing. Those who know screenplay format well, like the producers who will be reading the script, know this is how you do the breaking of dialogue so if they don't see those things, they will think for a moment that a different person speaks on the next page. That takes them out of the story until they realize this is the same person speaking. One of the tricks of screenwriting is to never remove the reader from the story so they feel more like they are watching it unfold.

    Page 3 - He will be back. I will be waiting. Sounds a little too stiff for how people really talk. Most of the time, we use contractions. Sometimes we won't so it's okay to mix up things a little, but when you don't use them, make sure it sounds right not to.

    Page 4 - The revolver will lie between the seats, not sit. In dialogue, people usually don't speak properly, but in action lines, that's where a writer can prove that they command grammar and writing as a whole.

    Page 6 - and recognition spreads

    Good job!


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    #34
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thanks for the comments guys. Sorry I've not been active, I just havn't had time.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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