Thread: The Revolver

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    #21
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    this was pretty good, but it did seem like you dragged it out a little... still, vengeful 10-year-olds are always fun...
    Make me.


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    #22
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Mary, Thanks for the review.
    I would like to ask though where you thought it dragged?
    My problem would be making it too quick and losing the build-up of tension.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #23
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    it just felt repetitive. i know you were building tension, but it came to a point where i was starting to lose interest. more action was needed in the middle in my opinion.
    Make me.


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    #24
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    OK, thank you.


    Marshall Dean

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    #25
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    but i still liked it. and it must be hard to include very much action in such a short script. the ending was good.
    Make me.


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    #26
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hahahaha, no need to explain. I just like a little more information so I understand where the comment is aimed, and hopefully can improve upon it in future scripts.

    Once again, thanks for taking time to review.


    Marshall Dean

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    #27
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    good job with this...

    i like the emotion. the conflict within the father could be felt and left the reader wondering whether or not he was going to go through with it. this was a different kind of suspense than the majority of the scripts because in most of them we are waiting for something bad to happen and here we are waiting for his decision... i myself was torn about whether or not he should do it... but the twist was satisfying... maybe you could have ended it right after the kid shot him and the parents' shocked faces and left out the part about him taking the blame for the son... this would leave it sort of open-ended... as it is, he ends up leaving the son without a father after all... that's sad to me... just a thought. enjoyable script.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
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    #28
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thank you very much, jamie. That is a good suggestion for the end, better suiting Hitchcock.


    Marshall Dean

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    #29
    Senior Member seanmcleod's Avatar
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    Hey, here's my opinions!

    I think the general idea makes for a cool concept. However, much of the dialogue seems very forced and expositional. "She torment me, her father..." pretty heavy handed. Something like just mentioning a photo of her and him doing a father/daughter activity would get the audience to the same point, without it being so literal. Same with the mom, too one dimensional in that she what she was saying, but I felt like she wasn't as hysterical as she should be in that case. I don't know if I'm explaining this right but the way she is on the page, seems to middle of the road. I think she should either be saying do you really want to do this? or the other extreme being like "YOU"RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND LET THEM WALK FREE!?" type bullying him. As is something doesn't feel right. Chad and his goons seem very 1 dimensional. I would loose the goons, make it just Chad, and make him slightly remorseful. As is it doesn't really have an emotional impact, why wouldn't you kill that guy? He's gonna kill you, that becomes self defense. Whereas if he's alone and taken by surprise, there's an opportunity there to play with the moral dilemma the father has been going through. Make that character tragic or misunderstood and then you got a whole other ball of wax... does it make the father just as bad to kill him? Does he deserve this too? Hasn't there been enough life lost? This plays out better than as is where there is no choice, it's kill or be killed. Too flat. Don't know why he would bring his wife and kid to go kill someone either, seems needlessly dangerous. But I realize you need that for the kid to shoot, but I would work on figuring out a more inventive situation that doesn't bring his parenting skills into question.

    For me these are the things that made this script fall flat. I like the angle you came at it with and I generally like the story, I just think you could make some of these changes and really make it strong.

    But as always, just my opinion.


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    #30
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading and reviewing, Sean.


    Marshall Dean

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