Thread: The Revolver

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    The Revolver
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    LOGLINE - Ted Kingsly must make a choice, revenge and retribution, or rebuilding his family.
    Last edited by DarkElastic; 03-03-2010 at 10:11 AM.


    Marshall Dean

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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Here we go... Looking and sounding good, Dark.
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    #3
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Uploaded.


    Marshall Dean

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    #4
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    nice to see you entered again. looking forward to reading your script.
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Ty


    Marshall Dean

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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Ok, I'm going to review this as I read. Don't get mad I could've just said 'nice script'. Well I couldn't really give you less after your great review. It's actually inspired me to give great reviews to everyone, well great in my mind anyways.

    Pg 1
    - Marshall Dean, I have a friend whose actual name is Marshall Dillon. Why I mention that? Who knows.
    - Your scene heading is an action block. Just writer Dinning Room and then describe it below.
    - Write active. Instead of 'His eyes are red and his look is dishelved. How about 'Ted Kingsley, early 40s, dishelved, stares through blood shot eyes at a 22 revolver.' Heck with a little more work you can make the first two action blocks one.
    - Lose the word 'is' from your vocab. 'He sits straight up' reads better then 'He is sat up straight... whoa I dosed off there a moment. you get what I mean.
    - Dang, I hate VO, but I'll reserve judgement.
    - Like the unique flash, I'm guessing that's all you want us to see, a girl struggling against a man on some grass. If so you communicated that.
    Pg 2
    - I'm guessing you are british with all that unique English. Waste Ground, is this a junk yard, abandoned lot, dump? I'm guessing abandoned lot, in American English.
    Pg 3
    - A 22 won't kill anyone, it'll just make them angry.
    Pg 4
    - Man, I want a waste ground of death!
    PG 7
    - What the hell is a Coshes?
    - Floor, are they inside now?
    - You do know how hard it is to hit a moving target with a hand gun? Sure the 22 doesn't have much kick, but he's going to have to go blasting to hit and keep em down.
    - I can't imagine they would get caught? Why not just bury the gun and leave?

    Good story. We knew the kid took the gun the minute he got out of the car. Sure I liked the bad guy banter, but I wonder if it would work better if he just started blasting as soon as he saw him? Good Job!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Marshall Dean

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    #8
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    Oh, a nightstick or baton. You people with your funny English. :P
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thanks for the review, my good man.

    You just remember the other side of the coin, Mr Keaton, I have to deal with your crazy use of my language as well. But I accept and understand!!! ;-)


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    #10
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    Thanks for the review, my good man.

    You just remember the other side of the coin, Mr Keaton, I have to deal with your crazy use of my language as well. But I accept and understand!!! ;-)
    I know, I'm sorry. The one thing that I do love about your English is that words with different meanings have different spellings, seriously is spelling that hard, America? I just don't get us some times, but we do get to invent new words like 'bling', so we have that....ugh.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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