Thread: Desperate Times

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    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Jan 2006
    planet earth
    Quote Originally Posted by justinormsby View Post
    I don't really think everything needs to have a happy ending. Does it?


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    Just wanted to say thanks again to everybody that read my script and offered advice. It's already being re-written as a 20 minute movie. Script for West Fest is done....look for that thread to pop up soon!

    Thanks again!


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    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Jul 2008
    a thread for the scripts or for the films? i finished my script for that as well.... i had written a western for the western script fest, but that wasn't really do-able... so i wrote a new one. i even have the film-makers, actors, and location... i have never entered film fest, so i'm excited.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:

    Script Fest II: Entitled

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    Jan 2006
    This was a short and fast read.
    No nonsenses straight into the action. I like that.
    It has a nice frantic atmosphere.
    I'm really curious to know what the macguffin is, maybe too curious. It could do with some big hints for the reader's satisfaction.
    The script spans little time so I didn't find it very believable that the kidnapped woman tells him those very personal things at page 4 already.
    I'm ok with that bad ending, but again it could use some more time.

    Overall it could do with some more room to breathe, but there is enough to like. I'm curious to that 20 minute script
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper

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    Junior Member
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    Mar 2010
    I think everyone else pretty much covered my thoughts on the script, but I'll re-cap a few.

    Definitely lose the title and continueds on every page. They waste space and distract from the story.

    While few scripts are error free in the writing department, you want to try and eliminate as many mistakes as possible. There are some commas and periods missing. When you don't have commas in certain places, sometimes the words run together and become very difficult to comprehend.

    Try not to have a whole page or more of nothing but dialogue. In cases where you feel every line in lengthy dialogue scenes is needed, use little actions to break up the lengthy speeches. Film is visual, so you want to give the audience something to watch while people are having long coversations.

    There was a solid frantic nature to the story, which is great, but it felt too rushed. I think some dialogue could be removed with more actions added and it could have gone the entire page limit to benefit from more story. We still don't really understand why people were threatening Tom's family. As someone suggested, a flashback or two could help.

    Vanessa, as someone mentioned, tells too much personal info to a man she just met who has hijacked her car. That doesn't mean she can't say anything, but there needs to be a better conversation between them to bring out the details, if you feel they are necessary.

    All of these things can be fixed easily. Overall, nice job!

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    Thanks for the comments. I agree whole-heartedly with everything said. I'll admit that I think the story I had in my head was much larger than maybe should have been attempted with the short page limit. I'm hoping that I can make things seem a little more realistic in the rewrite.

    The only thing that really confuses me concerns action lines. I had another script submitted at and I got hammered for describing to many actions and writing overly detailed environmental descriptions. At this point I'm having some difficulty determining what to include and what is either implied or unnecessary.

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