Thread: Desperate Times

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    #21
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    I really want to know what the object was! But why did he not have his own car? I could have used more information and action. It is a good idea for a story though. I liked it.
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    #22
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Compelling intro! You got me. Fast read and action. Check out the active voice if you want to speed it up even more. I love the mystery, build and then the ha ha you'll never know. Those are the best freaking endings. Bravo.
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    #23
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    a flashback would certainly give the story more dimension as most of it takes place through dialogue. you have a good start here. definitely had me wondering what it was he was supposed to find... out of curiosity, did you even have anything in mind, or was it always an unknown mystery even to you? good suspense.
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    #24
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    I never had anything specific in mind!


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    #25
    Senior Member MrSeth's Avatar
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    Wow!! I started reading the first page and before I knew it, I was done!

    Loved the script.. the ending was unexpected lol good job drawing me in


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    #26
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    Glad you liked it. It's getting a major overhaul after the contest. The comments I've gotten here have given me some good ideas! Keep em coming guys!


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    #27
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    I would lose the Continued on the end of pages, along with the Apotheosis Productions and Desperation - they just distract.

    The dialog on page 3, 4 and 5 are a bit long, write it differently and reduce the running time.

    I would avoid any mention of camera.

    Finally, enjoyed the story. But think it needs more dept. Try and flesh it out more and see where it goes as 10-15 minute piece. Your set-up is top shelf, now just concentrate on the rest and a little tidy up and it will be even better.

    Enjoyed it. Thanks.


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    #28
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    The contined's I'm not sure if I can control...my script writing software does that. I'm going to see if I can turn it off. As for depth, definitely coming on the re-write. Planning on a longer script with more detail

    Thanks for the comments!


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    #29
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    hello..

    (notes as i read)

    scene one: dialog is a little on-the-nose, but effective in quickly setting up a conflict.

    scene two: again, maybe a little too on-the-nose for me, but i guess TOM is getting right to the point with VANESSA.

    TOM's huge chunk of dialog about having a bad day and arguing with his wife is awkward.. way too much info on what happened before he found the phone and the pic.

    SERIES OF SHOTS kinda took me out of it for a second.

    i don't really get it.. i mean i know what happened, but it just doesn't work for me. TOM dies and doesn't even save his family in the process.


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    #30
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    I don't really think everything needs to have a happy ending. Does it?


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