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    #51
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    The atmosphere and tone you set are great. I love the overall story, very cool.

    I was not as thrown off by vilefort's violence as some others were. I was a bit confused by Arnauds actions, but you've already addressed that.

    But even that bit of confusion, did not keep me from enjoying this dark tale.
    The metal mask, the stitches, the clock work insides, the TICK - TOCK, black oil tears.
    Great stuff.
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 04-01-2010 at 10:15 AM.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #52
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    great title, Chris. i'm looking forward to reading this script.. here goes!

    good start, visually descriptive.

    ok, a clock-maker's dungeon and chained prisoner - i'm intrigued..

    i know you're trying to show us the relationship between MARY and VILEFORT, but so far it's still a bit confusing. (through pg. 4 anyway.. now on to pg. 5)

    ok this just interesting / weird. she has clock parts.

    good turn of events, but why did ARNAUD hate VILEFORT so much?

    overall, good story, writing was good and visual. some action blocks were missing commas that made them a little confusing, but easy fixes.


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    #53
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    oh, and unique!


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    #54
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Thanks guys. If only this was set in the wild west. ;)
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #55
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    Wow - really enjoyed reading this one - definitely an interesting script. I'm okay with the violence Vilefort showed toward Mary - plenty of people are in love/hate relationships. I think his anger would also extend to Arnaurd though. I thought the flashbacks were fine - kept me wanting to find out the whole story. Also liked the misdirection concerning Arnaurd and Mary's relationship. I would have liked the script to end on the scene where Mary kills herself. The constables breaking in with Arnaurd were kind of just extra for me. Definitely a Frankenstein Romeo and Juliet - very cool.


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    #56
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget D. View Post
    Wow - really enjoyed reading this one - definitely an interesting script. I'm okay with the violence Vilefort showed toward Mary - plenty of people are in love/hate relationships. I think his anger would also extend to Arnaurd though. I thought the flashbacks were fine - kept me wanting to find out the whole story. Also liked the misdirection concerning Arnaurd and Mary's relationship. I would have liked the script to end on the scene where Mary kills herself. The constables breaking in with Arnaurd were kind of just extra for me. Definitely a Frankenstein Romeo and Juliet - very cool.
    Thanks. Hmmm, end when the gears finally stop for good. hmmmm
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #57
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    I think you're wanting (O.S.) instead of voice overs on the first page. The people are present in the scene, but we just don't see them yet.

    Make sure to place commas where they are really needed. For example, on page 2, "
    He examines the clock peering wearily at his ragged reflection in the glass face." There should be a comma after 'clock' because without it, it reads like the clock peers wearily. You don't want to pull the reader out of the story for a moment as they try to figure out what you meant.

    On page 3, "Vilefort slams his fist down." In action lines, be perfect with grammar. He would slam down his fist if you use the preposition correctly. In dialogue, people usually don't speak properly so don't worry about it there. But in action lines, it's the writer's chance to show how well they master writing overall so take advantage.

    When you end a nightmare or flashback, note that to the left instead of the right because it looks off to be in place of a transition. Anything that "looks" off can distract the reader from the story. While many might not be bothered by small things, we have no idea how producers will react to minor things so it's best to try and make everything run smoothly in order to not take any chances.

    He/she, him/her. Most writers slip on these from time to time until someone points them out. When using any of these, they need to refer to the last person who spoke, or was named in an action. Otherwise, you could be pointing out the wrong person. On page 4, Vilefort speaks. That is followed by "She stares at him unresponsive." The 'she' here isn't referring to the last person who spoke. Okay, we can sort that out by reading a little further, but the reader shouldn't have to sort out things like this. It should always be clear, part of the writer's job. What if you have two men in a scene and you don't use the he/him's properly? There could be a lot of confusion over whom is supposed to be doing what, so it's a great practice to have to make sure you always use them properly.

    It was really cool how Mary is half clock. I think, as it has been pointed out, that things read a bit confusing with the flashbacks and dreams. In a feature script, there's a lot more room to sort these out, but in a short script of 10 or less, we have to be careful that using these tricks don't confuse readers. I'm not sure if you should lose them, or better explain them. But I believe some work should be done there just to help make things clearer.

    A very eerie atmosphere with a plot that was different. Good job!



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    #58
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Thanks, vickyn

    - I think you're wanting (O.S.) instead of voice overs on the first page. The people are present in the scene, but we just don't see them yet.

    Nope, because these are actually memories, not the people in the scene. This script is filled with tricksies

    - When you end a nightmare or flashback, note that to the left instead of the right because it looks off to be in place of a transition.

    I believe starting transitions are on the left and ending transitions are on the right. I could be wrong.

    - A very eerie atmosphere with a plot that was different. Good job!

    Thanks, that's what I was going for.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #59
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Thanks for your feedback everyone! I'll use it to make this even better. Then I'll watch as all the directors laugh at how hard it would be to film.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #60
    Senior Member Marlon Ladd's Avatar
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    Congrats, Chris! Keep knockin' 'em out the box!


    Watch the film (1/21/13) HERE!


    iZaza Slider...Do you?


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