Thread: The Night Shift

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    The Night Shift
    #1
    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    A beautiful stranger. A mysterious parcel. Closing time. Welcome to the night shift.
    Last edited by Tom Shortridge; 03-14-2010 at 06:41 AM.


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    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    The idea popped into my head at 8:00am on Saturday, the 13th, while sitting at the DMV.

    Well, the basic idea, anyway. Worked through specifics in my head, bouncing ideas off my wife, throughout an otherwise busy day, sat down to write at about 6:00pm without an ending in sight.

    Not my usual style.

    Uploaded at 10:45ish Saturday night. I actually haven't read it, myself. The wife did, she seemed to like it. We'll see if anyone else does.
    Last edited by Tom Shortridge; 03-14-2010 at 06:49 AM.


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    #3
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    my idea popped into my head about the same time... so i totally know how you feel. i wasn't even going to write one this time because of how busy i have been, but i really wanted to enter a script so... we shall see.... at the very least, we will be getting some feedback... and that's a good thing
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    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    Yeah, initially I had a different idea, but it was a 3-page story at its heftiest, so I needed to find something that fit the criteria of the fest.

    Feedback is definitely a good thing, that's pretty much the only reason I pumped it out to get it in the fest.


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    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    Nice job. **Possible Spoilers**


    I really liked the pacing of it.
    A very good read that kept me turning the page. Very visual without being wordy.
    I felt a little cheated for not knowing what went on. I got the gist, just not the details. I guess that's kinda the point.
    The only other critique is that I wish Kelly's dialog had a little more meat to it.

    This piece would be a cinch to produce. Congrats!


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    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    Hey Tim, thanks for the review!

    I thought people might feel a little cheated, as you did. I have a basic idea of the backstory that David stumbles into, but I wanted to do a sort of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" treatment of the Hitchcockian/thriller theme. If enough people care enough to know the backstory, I suppose I could post it, but whatever you might imagine will probably be more satisfying ("The Noodle Incident" theory).

    And yeah, I definitely need to beef Kelly up. Female dialogue is probably one of the toughest things for me to do as a writer.

    Again, thanks for the review!


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Tom, I just read your script.

    *Spoilers*

    The scene is set well and the story moves on at a good pace. The mystery begins and we're building to something exciting, then we meet the bad guy and the chase begins. It all then seem to flattens out.
    Once again the characters of David and Kelly are great, they have a connection, they get mixed up in a deal. Then they get away and laugh... It just seemed a little easy.

    I don't think you need the second title of the opening scene, as it is the same scene. And then she leans out of the window to enter his scene, we don't even move into the car.

    Roscoe, page 5, should be in capitals as it is his introduction. How do we know he's packing a handgun??? You need to show us this, maybe a bulge in his shirt at the waist?

    Overall, not a bad script. I think if you adjust the end quarter of the script to be a little more, it would have more impact and better match the first 3 quarters. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    Very enjoyable read. I don't mind being left with questions as that's usually the case when I watch a Hitchcock film. The character of David was very believable to me, and for some reason I was picturing Shia La Beouf the whole time. Well done.
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Check out the active voice. Some grammar and format stuff but no biggie. Remember the best action is concise visuals. IMO addressing the reader takes them out of the story. Your story kicked ass. I liked that her dad was a total ex-CIA espionage deally-bob and we never even knew it. I liked your use of the necklace MacGuffin too. Fun action and I thought she was in on it the whole time, playing the kid, but she wasn't. Ha, you got me. Slick.
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    #10
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!

    Pg 1
    - Is it me or did 'Fade In' go out of style.
    - Put some dashes in your scene headings 'EXT. MALL PARKING STRUCTURE - NIGHT
    - Gates, shuttered, hmm, oh the ticket booth things. I don't live in a city so don't mind my ignorance.
    - Break your action blocks into individual shots. This give the reader white space and makes the timing of the script easier.
    Pg 2
    - I would trim his talking to himself to 'idiot', just have him look and realize she was flirting.

    A nice suspenseful tale. Love the mcguffin and the arc of the dude. Great Job!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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