Well, thanks for the nice comments.
Yeah, you can't get a lot of background into 10 pages, so I hope allowances will be made that the story starts 'in progress.'
As for the haters:
"Physician, heal thyself."
Results 21 to 30 of 38
03-20-2010 01:37 PM
03-20-2010 03:57 PM
No biggie, remember you want to start scenes late and leave 'em early. It adds drama and frankly cuts the boring stuff anyway. Shorts have about a minute to grab the audience's attention.
And there are no HATERS here. You are on a feedback board, we're here to learn and help.
03-23-2010 06:49 AM
reading now, notes as i go..
nice, jumping right into a car chase near a cliff.
i'm not sure why HENRY needs ILIANA, but we'll see.
so now he's letting her leave and go up the road to catch a bus? i don't get it..
HENRY's being vague with them about the whole situation, but it's just confusing me. and why does ILIANA think he's a burglar?
ok, you're losing me here.. she sews him up, but then lets an assassin into the house and tells the guy where HENRY is?
everybody's dead.. but now ILIANA is in the bathroom, alive? oh there's HENRY alive, too. i'm confused, sorry.
ok.. HENRY's alive and hiding in the closet, but now he wants help out. why did he go in there in the first place then?
now HENRY has killed the intruders and gets a hug.
the relationships between the characters are confusing and frustrating. who is ILIANA to HENRY? a hostage, a teenage friend? a stranger? and why would HENRY go to that house and put kids in danger? and who did he call on the phone?
sorry, i'm just too confused by all the randomness to really understand what happened.
03-23-2010 09:35 AM
There's an unstated romantic attraction that has landed them together in the first place. He's a handsome, older spy. She's a younger, wide eyed ingenue.
The ending is sort of like Run Lola Run, where two different outcomes play out. In the first, she doesn't trust him, and acts accordingly.
In the second, she does trust him.
It's about the nature of trust, and the sometimes thin rationales we use to make such a decision.
03-23-2010 11:39 AM
03-25-2010 09:31 AM
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Last edited by polfilmblog; 03-25-2010 at 11:24 AM.
03-31-2010 09:54 PM
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- Mar 2010
I'm not really getting the quick cuts. I think these are meant to be like a series of shots, but with the way it's formatted, it makes comprehension harder. I would use the heading SERIES OF SHOTS and list each shot seperately after double dashes. Make the read as easy and clear as possible for the reader.
Be careful with the use of he/she and him/her in action lines. Most writers I see aren't even aware that they get a little careless with these and that can affect how people comprehend what they are reading. You don't want to confuse the reader for a moment. An example would be on page 2. Henry's first dialogue there. After he speaks, you say she hands a jewel case from her purse. Since this is the first action following Henry speaking, we are inclined to think this is referring to Henry, but it isn't. When there's a he and a she in a scene, it's easier for a reader to sort out whom you mean, but if there are more than two people, or both people are the same gender, there can be confusion.
We are outside a house on page 2. It's good to say whose house in the slug so there's never any confusion. When we go inside, the slug should tell whose kitchen. If you have more than one kitchen in the script, we wouldn't know which is which until we read into the scene. The slug should give us enough specific info where we know exactly where the scene takes place without any guessing.
As he slides out his wallet (you have 'slides his wallet out). Very nit picky, yes, but action lines should be written properly so the writer showcases great writing ability in every way. This is correct use of prepositions. In dialogue, it doesn't matter because most people do not speak properly.
Put O.C. in () so the letters don't blend in with the dialogue heading and look for even a moment like they're connected to it.
What are you intercutting? The bedroom and the living room? An intercut is tricky because it has to be clear what you are going back and forth between. After you establish the second location, use INTERCUT - BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM (or whatever you are intercutting at the time).
Lots of excitement. It would be kind of expensive to shoot because of that, but it would be possible. Henry was likeable enough. Very mysterious. Good job!
04-01-2010 10:08 AM
I'm obliged to sort the wheat from the chaff.
"I'm not really getting the quick cuts. I think these are meant to be like a series of shots, but with the way it's formatted..."
I don't think you're taking into account the intended audience. People filming a car chase on a mountain road will understand "quck cuts" means exactly what it says. There isn't much need to labor over a series of shots of cars. This is standard, even cliche movie making.
"Be careful with the use of he/she and him/her in action lines. ... After he speaks, you say she hands a jewel case from her purse. "
There are only two characters in the film at this point, a he and a she. I do expect readers to be at least slightly above retarded.
" Most writers I see aren't even aware that they get a little careless with these"
It's not careless, and I'm not "most writers." The two main characters are established. They are accounted for in their actions. I can't help it if "people" hereabouts aren't used to reading screenplays and can't follow basic two person conversations.
"We are outside a house on page 2. It's good to say whose house in the slug so there's never any confusion. "
Nonsense. I keep getting this "advice" that's really not competent or grounded in scripts and films. When someone shows up at a house in a movie, is there a neon glowing sign advertising whose house it is? What exactly are you basing this wisdom on?
It's a house. The audience doesn't know whose house it is. The reader doesn't know whose house it is. That's the way it is.
"When we go inside, the slug should tell whose kitchen."
There is only one house in this film. They just arrived there. They just had a conversation on the doorstep with the owner. If you can't accept that it's the same house from that information, I suggest you read it again.
Scripts are not novels. They are not short stories. They are blueprints for making a film. They describe what the final intended recipient -- the viewer -- will experience. What they need is enough information to paint that picture, no more, no less.
" If you have more than one kitchen in the script, we wouldn't know which is which until we read into the scene."
Since there is only one house, one kitchen, this is completely irrelevant.
"The slug should give us enough specific info where we know exactly where the scene takes place without any guessing."
"As he slides out his wallet (you have 'slides his wallet out). Very nit picky, yes, but action lines should be written properly so the writer showcases great writing ability in every way. This is correct use of prepositions."
Is it? And what's the reasoning behind slides out wallet vs. slides wallet out? Is there some grammatical law I've broken with this?
"Put O.C. in () so the letters don't blend in with the dialogue heading and look for even a moment like they're connected to it."
Yes the anal "Final Draft does it so you have to too."
"What are you intercutting? The bedroom and the living room? An intercut is tricky because it has to be clear what you are going back and forth between. After you establish the second location, use INTERCUT - BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM (or whatever you are intercutting at the time)."
You know what I'm intercutting.
"Lots of excitement. It would be kind of expensive to shoot because of that, but it would be possible."
I have hope that the car over cliff could be done by an After Effects whiz kid.
" Henry was likeable enough. Very mysterious. Good job!"
I reject the dogmatic nature of a lot of this amateur "format" talk. People seem to be obsessed with the conventions of Final Draft as if that was the only way to present a script. I've seen hundreds of scripts from various periods of Hollywood, and it's just not so. This stifling adherence to the latest set of expectations makes for a lot of god awful, dense, boring screenwriting in my opinion.
Numerous scripts look like the rest on the surface. But they do not provide drama. They do not provide a structured story. They do not provide any mastery of language. No real characters. Numerous amateur symptoms are masked by feeding it through the software, so that appears sort of like what's expected.
It gets tiresome when these people pose as if they were Billy Wilder, now they've made a few backyard Youtube videos. Laughable actually.
That's my mood today. Peace.
Last edited by polfilmblog; 04-01-2010 at 10:13 AM.
04-01-2010 10:51 AM
That's your mood everyday. It's a shame really. The script is half way decent, but your s*%tty attitude isn't going to help you get work. Believe me one director/producer has a bad experience with you and they'll pass it on to the next one, until the well of people willing to work with you runs dry.
I really hope you get a clue and get over yourself. Actually, maybe some self confidence would help, then you wouldn't feel the need to defend everything you do. A confident person can be satisfied that they are right without trying to convince everyone else. But then looking at your website you might be drinking from an extremist well and probably will just defend being a prick.
Yes, I know trying to teach a pig English isn't going to work, you'll just get dirty and make the pig angry. But dammit if I don't love helping everyone, even pigs.
04-01-2010 11:02 AM
It's such a pity that vickyn and some others chose to read yours when they could have read and commented on someone's who appreciates, tries to see the viewpoint, selectively applies (I'm not saying that all comments should work for you)...
Very few scripts are good as is, most of them need to be rewritten. I read the comments, I prepare for the rewrite - that's what the comments are for. Aren't you even thinking about rewriting?